48 hours

Same shirt Same hair No shower Not enough food Not enough water No exercise Tears stream when I wake up, when it's silent, when I'm alone, in my dreams No crying Canceled social plans Added watching others' children *** In the deepest darkness, I envisioned calling my mother and after only getting out a few…

It’s OK to get Better

"What would it look like to have compassion?" "I mean I do for my ma-" "For yourself?" Maybe I have writer's block. Maybe self-compassion is so buried it's undetectable and I can't bring it close enough to the surface to see. Maybe I actually have none. What would the story be if I could give…

Ceaseless Depression

I am profoundly, perpetually sad. The end. If there is no getting out of it, truly and permanently, then what is the purpose for staying in it? Hope is deceiving. It lingers on sunny days but hides behind the moon, and the storms, and the emptiness of starvation. I am gravely sorry. Nothing is big…

Therapy

"I missed you!" But why? She has almost exclusively witnessed and listened to and talked about my worst. There are very few things I've left out, mostly because I don't find them relevant, that could make me look any worse. Literal recounts of intentional puking and constant written and verbal vomit reeking with guilt and…

My Eyes are the Color Sad

"I see it in your eyes. Your eyes are sad." The words are piercing. I lose the ability to protect myself as the fortress I've built comes crashing down and wonder if that is also obvious. I feel completely exposed. Here, take my lungs--they're no use to me anyway, I'm hardly breathing. My eyes give…

A Change of Scenery

Will fix everything. When I left here, I never thought I would be back here. And here I find myself struggling to be. Imagining a life here, a career here, even just going back to school here, is oddly impossible. Even in my teens when I was full of optimism and hope for my future,…