Yoga, Today

Getting in touch with my body: A constant feeling of Stomach acid about to come up Shaky hands On the edge Frozen muscles, frozen bones Shame and guilt and shame Cold sweat Strong urge to run And cry And run And cry Explosive pressure in my head and chest Trapped

4 Months Gone

"What's on your mind right now?" Tell her. "I don't know. Nothing." I say, as I fight tears back but they come anyway. "Nothing is happening? It's empty?" I have to tell her. Just say it. "No, it's just I...can't say it." "What if you write it down?" I am the worst. Why is this…

I felt so good for a second

Shame sits on the bookshelf between the Spanish dictionary I thought I would master in college before my confidence shattered the summer before my junior year, and Catcher in the Rye--I don't know if I belong here either, Holden. Ever-present shame repels any positive attributes that may exist. Shame pulls me away from what is…

22 years ago

Dear 10-year-old self, It's ok to be scared. There isn't anything wrong with needing caring adult arms wrapped around your tiny body, your face buried in a safe chest, your rapid heart beat falling with warm embrace. And then, it's ok to let tears spill and soak the shirt of the nonjudgmental and loving human…

Grace, again.

Maybe I can give myself some grace for being in a season of change. Change is hard even if it's positive. Sure, this season is agonizingly longer than winter, spring, summer, and fall combined but I'm doing something powerful for myself that is literally saving my life. If I hadn't had the courage to take…

This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

The Room is Spinning

It feels like every traumatic thing I've ever experienced is happening to me right now (to name a few): That time in 2nd grade when my friend's stepfather took their two dogs, leashed them to the back of their pickup truck, and drove as we helplessly watched. I've never been more horrified in my life.…

In Safety is Release

  "You need to feel safe as much as possible right now. Your eating disorder wants you to feel unsafe." I've just admitted to my dietitian that starting some days off running alone in the dark isn't something I enjoy. In fact, I spend much of the time in a heightened state of anxiety waiting…

Stuck Points

  A thousand percent stuck. Writing will save me. It has always saved me. It will continue to safely corral my thoughts into something tangible I can begin to make sense of. I am stuck for a reason. Little pieces of my soul cry for the sad child who didn't feel secure. I am stuck…

Dear Sweet Girl,

You are so very loved. You will always be loved. The fervor in which you are loved is beyond your capacity; not for lack of intelligence but because it is so great. Know it is true. Dear sweet girl, your pain is real and valid. You will not be admonished for having a voice.  Use…