This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

The Room is Spinning

It feels like every traumatic thing I've ever experienced is happening to me right now (to name a few): That time in 2nd grade when my friend's stepfather took their two dogs, leashed them to the back of their pickup truck, and drove as we helplessly watched. I've never been more horrified in my life.…

In Safety is Release

  "You need to feel safe as much as possible right now. Your eating disorder wants you to feel unsafe." I've just admitted to my dietitian that starting some days off running alone in the dark isn't something I enjoy. In fact, I spend much of the time in a heightened state of anxiety waiting…

Stuck Points

  A thousand percent stuck. Writing will save me. It has always saved me. It will continue to safely corral my thoughts into something tangible I can begin to make sense of. I am stuck for a reason. Little pieces of my soul cry for the sad child who didn't feel secure. I am stuck…

Dear Sweet Girl,

You are so very loved. You will always be loved. The fervor in which you are loved is beyond your capacity; not for lack of intelligence but because it is so great. Know it is true. Dear sweet girl, your pain is real and valid. You will not be admonished for having a voice.  Use…

A Desk and a Tree

That little girl feels scared. That little girl found refuge in every elementary school classroom. In third and fourth grade, I had the same teacher because it was a multi-age classroom. There was a rule in the classroom that anyone could go under her desk at any time if they felt they needed a place…

How to Lose Everyone

On Wednesday I didn't show up to a class I'm taking because I couldn't fathom socializing. I've loved going to the class. I missed the topic I was looking forward to the most. Yesterday I canceled all plans for today. And next week. Save for a bachelorette party I can't imagine attending. That's next on…

Waves of Melancholy

Sadness arrives and spreads like wildfire. Last night I barely slept. But I did dream, half awake, and woke up crying. I don't remember the dream, just the feeling that took place right before I woke up in tears: despair. My letdown when I breastfed my kids was painful but relieving at the same time.…

Shame

You come across my face as a quick and unconvincing smile. You tangle my brain and cause my heart to beat rapidly. You are suspended in my stomach and give rise to nausea. I cannot eat. I lose my voice in your presence. The jagged words leaving my lips try hard to come together to…

Human Connection

Isn't it funny how you took the pieces of me I needed the most? How you severed all the invisible ways I needed in order to believe in love and connection. You poured cement over my spirit and walked away like nothing happened. Isn't it funny how I dissolve because I'm so scared when I…