Teens

This has been pretty much my process since high school — except the therapist part has only been the last couple years. Graduate school has made it so things are due weekly and I haven’t experienced an academic or professional work load since 2014. I have constant anxiety because even for little, easy things, if…

Competitor

I minimize my prep and collegiate athletic experience because I wasn't the best. But I worked incredibly hard to get to where I did, even if it was barely anything. Throughout the recovery process and tearing apart my identity I actually thought for a while the eating disorder part of me ran the show for…

How to Find Me

When I try to find compassion, I am met with incredible resistance. To be clear, I meet myself with frustrating resistance. Anger-filled push-back. Is this the eating disorder? How quickly I became one with it, if it is. And how quickly I lost the ability to discern for myself, if it is. I have to…

Jan 22, 2021, 10:12pm

Sometimes I think, “I’m going to push her until she breaks,” and it will prove that I destroy things I touch in a terrible, terrible way, and I will have to stop living because I broke something so incredibly special. And sometimes, I think that means the end. My story ends here: I am too…

True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Gratitude Practice

Image credit: IG @gc_doodles I hope you know your kindness takes the pain away, even if briefly, and that it never goes unnoticed. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by support, I lose my words. I hope you feel seen and heard and comforted, in the way you do for me. I have survived because of…

Let it all exist

What if I let the panic exist. Welcome it, even. What if I stop fighting it and worrying when it will return and if I will have support in those moments? Deep breath. Keep breathing. It’s just the part of me that is so scared, is 10-12 years old. And 10-year-olds need help. They are…