Panic Attack Season

“Five needed to ask for help. I’m so glad she made an appearance.” When I get extremely anxious about being abandoned by my therapist, it’s usually little-me that is chaotically frightened. The core of that fear is suddenly not being loved by a caregiver. The fear exists(-ed) because little-me wants to know safety and love…

Stomach Pit

My eating disorder part is protecting the other parts. I can hear the other parts, the truer parts, the willing parts, screaming to let someone else take over but I can't do it today. And it sends me into depression. It makes me want to scream. I want to cry in frustration. I want a…

So Tired

I am utterly exhausted. It’s in my eyes. It’s in the way I carry myself. I can barely see. At first I wanted to scream, “I NEED A BREAK!, LET ME TAKE A FREAKING BREAK!!” But then I realized, I’m still in so much better of a place than 2, 4, 56789 10 months ago,…

Therapeutic Alliance

Walks, talks, feels like a fracture. It's a rupture that wasn't her (or my) fault. "...alliance ruptures are defined as increased tension or conflict between the respective wants or needs of the therapist and the patient, and can include disagreement on the tasks of therapy and a strain in the patient–therapist emotional bond." [source: https://www.apa.org/pubs/videos/rupture-repair-psychotherapy%5D…

Touch Hunger

I need emotional safety and support. Consistently, continually, unconditionally. All parts of me need this. Little-me is just best at asking for it and not judging it. I am just human. Nothing is inherently wrong with me for being an emotional and sensitive person—maybe that authentic piece of me is actually a gift. Craving non-sexual…

Childhood Closet

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com A tiny space with old carpet, filled with clothes and shoes and stuff I can't remember. I put a hole through a shoe box and locked it with a padlock. All my thoughts went in there. Various things to write with and a skinny white memo pad, with another hole…

Deep Inside Recovery

Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash "I want you to remember what I told you in our very first session. You are doing recovery in the most difficult way possible." I've heard that several times in the last 2 years but today it very much clicks what that really means. "You would have been a…

Support Team Love

I tried to help myself in these ways (SCOPE) in the last couple weeks. It's helpful for me to continually be reminded how much my nervous system runs the show. It makes it easier to come to terms with really feeling like I need a hug, stat, and not judging it too much. It is…