Breathless

"You've improved your breathing, but I noticed that you have to take a lot of breaths even when we’re having a relaxed conversation, because you're holding your breath.” I held my breath all week. I could not stop gasping for air and after some reflection I wonder if I breathe like this constantly, but now…

Hand on Heart

Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern on Pexels.com The cracks in my armor were filled today in the most cherished way. My heart heals every time I breathe in compassion flowing from loving humans. It gives me strength to find my own, for myself, too. When you hold me and your hand is patting my back, just…

In June

It's always over 100-degrees-hot and the car left outside all day is impossible to slide into without getting burned and sweat pouring out of every pore in your body. June always hurts. The physical sensation is heat: a red angry fire burning your body. June grabs hold of your emotions, too: fiery red anger burning…

More Rollercoaster

Photo by Ferbugs on Pexels.com Today felt like a fight. An internal battle where the enemy wins. It felt like therapy today was a waste of time. The acid in my throat never settled and I felt weak leaving my therapist's office. Little-me wanted so badly to be there with her. There are so many…

Right and Wrong

I am taking ethics in counseling right now. It is bringing up a lot for me, every single day. On Monday I responded to a question posed by the professor, who ended up disagreeing with me. My need to be liked and wanting to be "right" in terms of not failing at something or messing…

My Heart and the Holy Spirit

Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com A friend sent me this article last night. It was the catalyst for a major shift from the last two weeks. I spent practically all day yesterday believing my relationship with my therapist couldn't possibly go on any longer. I spent it tearful and angry and extremely depressed. I…

Hulk-Sized Anger

*I am so hurt. Little-me is so worried. All parts of me are extraordinarily angry. So I wrote this and it does not flow well, and there are probably typos and I am not clear who "you" is always and switch first person to second person and I am not going to fix it or…

11 Days

I sorely miss freely letting little-me have a voice. I miss my faux fur weighted blanket that softens the blow of “flight” when anxiety rises. I miss being handed my bunny when little-me is stuck, or crying, or scared. I miss the I Love You All Ways children’s book that gets pulled out when you…

Feeling Separated

Today I needed a real, genuine, unforced, pull-me-in hug. The only non-strangers I saw today were my mom, who barely said 5 words to me at a distance, and my husband, who just wasn’t aware. The little girl in me is wondering if my mom even loves me—it doesn’t feel like it. And everything with…

Break (-ing)

Photo by Tobias Bju00f8rkli on Pexels.com This morning when my three-year-old creaked open the door at 5:30am, my body felt like cement bricks. I sent him out with a tablet and closed my eyes hoping when my alarm went off in an hour, everything would feel different. My five-year-old climbed in bed with me at…