Tornado

I cannot understand what’s happening in my brain. It doesn’t add up and it doesn’t make sense and it is so terrible that I can’t just stop the thoughts from flooding in. I am a problem. The problem has to go away. I’ve started to wish for help from anyone that sees me, wishing they…

Crisp Air

Photo by Mitch Kesler on Pexels.com "I think that's a trauma response." K** said, enough times that I learned to notice it myself. Often though, when she first started saying it, I didn't quite understand. The sweater I wore all day today might have been triggering? The weather change is triggering? She was merely asking…

The Difference of a Year

Last year around this time I was planning a trip to Philadelphia and planning how to die. Obsessively and meticulously planning it. I thought I was going to follow through—that there was no way around it. This year I’m planning how to help others climb out of that hopeless place. It seems surreal... as if…

Too much guilt

Today I couldn’t stop thinking about Madison Holleran. Her story is here. Shame and guilt and grief have taken over my day today. Last year at exactly this time, I realized only after getting caught up in my guilt, I’d finished reading What Made Maddy Run and saw myself in her so much that I…

Blinding

Tonight we talked about death as if it were upon us. As if it were ominously, predictably, inevitable. Today I let go of clothes. And then I began to inventory what else will make life easier for my family if it’s gone. “It’s just material objects that are weighing me down,” I told myself. Gone…

On New Years Eve

New Years Eve: the night depression takes my brain away from me. Early morning hours spent planning how to die, early morning hours that drifted into oblivion. It began in Berlin in 2013, I remember the whole night so clearly. When you look at pictures from that night, you would never be able to tell…

Done & Not Done

Last night I woke up from a nightmare that I'd had a mental breakdown. Worse than anything I've ever personally experienced. So trapped and scared and quite literally insane. I could see myself behaving completely irrationally and couldn't stop myself. It felt like my head was on fire and filled with cement. I woke feeling…