SurrenderED

Peace will come in surrender. I’ve hit a physical dead end. I cannot afford to run on empty before I completely crash and burn. I am so tired. I cannot possibly take another day of pounding headaches. I give up my eating disorder. It doesn’t need to win anything. I don’t need to win anything.…

A Core of Shame

I know logically I am the girl in this picture. But I feel like the shadow. I think the shadow is shame. And covering the shame is depression and holding depression’s hand is grief. I want to know God’s love for me despite shame, but I think He hates me and that makes me want…

Meet Me Here

This is how I will get a peaceful relationship with exercise. This is a part of how I will find peace within myself. This is how I will connect with my body and find moments of presence. This is how I will feed the good wolf. I ran 3 miles this morning after taking 15…

Panic Attack Season

“Five needed to ask for help. I’m so glad she made an appearance.” When I get extremely anxious about being abandoned by my therapist, it’s usually little-me that is chaotically frightened. The core of that fear is suddenly not being loved by a caregiver. The fear exists(-ed) because little-me wants to know safety and love…

23 July 2020, 1:56pm

-Justin McRoberts It takes such sincere intention to reach out to others when you’re trying to climb out of your own pit. Depression is the worst liar. Eating disorders are ruthless, callous, cruel friends. Anxiety is a deceiving, unrelenting alarm clock. They take up your existence and blind you from your values. They make it…

At the Fork: Life & Death

Die. The good wolf and the bad wolf exist separately. I can see them as two, not permanently enmeshed as one. The bad wolf exists inside depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and trauma. Not that I am a bad person for having to struggle with these things but that I can accept grace, mercy, and love…

Owning Trauma

In an effort to quell the part of me that is royally annoyed with this depression deep dive, I went to the end of the internet and back with Peter Levine and Somatic Experiencing and tigers and I didn’t mean to end up here watching this interview, but I did, and my mind exploded at…

Grace, again.

Maybe I can give myself some grace for being in a season of change. Change is hard even if it's positive. Sure, this season is agonizingly longer than winter, spring, summer, and fall combined but I'm doing something powerful for myself that is literally saving my life. If I hadn't had the courage to take…