Restoring All of Me

“God will never stop loving you. I will never stop loving you.” The conditional love I have for myself is fragile. Wavering. Sometimes absent. Mostly absent. What, exactly, did I ever do to not deserve love from and for myself? My mother said if I ever wondered what I was like as a child I…

Grace, again.

Maybe I can give myself some grace for being in a season of change. Change is hard even if it's positive. Sure, this season is agonizingly longer than winter, spring, summer, and fall combined but I'm doing something powerful for myself that is literally saving my life. If I hadn't had the courage to take…

48 hours

Same shirt Same hair No shower Not enough food Not enough water No exercise Tears stream when I wake up, when it's silent, when I'm alone, in my dreams No crying Canceled social plans Added watching others' children *** In the deepest darkness, I envisioned calling my mother and after only getting out a few…

Face First into a Brick Wall

It's a me thing. It's not a medication thing, an environmental thing, or any other outside factor. If I was created this way, then I must be meant to experience intense depression. It's supposed to show me something ... or something. I brought myself to this place. I have to bring myself out of this…

Ceaseless Depression

I am profoundly, perpetually sad. The end. If there is no getting out of it, truly and permanently, then what is the purpose for staying in it? Hope is deceiving. It lingers on sunny days but hides behind the moon, and the storms, and the emptiness of starvation. I am gravely sorry. Nothing is big…

In Safety is Release

  "You need to feel safe as much as possible right now. Your eating disorder wants you to feel unsafe." I've just admitted to my dietitian that starting some days off running alone in the dark isn't something I enjoy. In fact, I spend much of the time in a heightened state of anxiety waiting…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…

Dear Sweet Girl,

You are so very loved. You will always be loved. The fervor in which you are loved is beyond your capacity; not for lack of intelligence but because it is so great. Know it is true. Dear sweet girl, your pain is real and valid. You will not be admonished for having a voice.  Use…