48 hours

Same shirt Same hair No shower Not enough food Not enough water No exercise Tears stream when I wake up, when it's silent, when I'm alone, in my dreams No crying Canceled social plans Added watching others' children *** In the deepest darkness, I envisioned calling my mother and after only getting out a few…

Face First into a Brick Wall

It's a me thing. It's not a medication thing, an environmental thing, or any other outside factor. If I was created this way, then I must be meant to experience intense depression. It's supposed to show me something ... or something. I brought myself to this place. I have to bring myself out of this…

Ceaseless Depression

I am profoundly, perpetually sad. The end. If there is no getting out of it, truly and permanently, then what is the purpose for staying in it? Hope is deceiving. It lingers on sunny days but hides behind the moon, and the storms, and the emptiness of starvation. I am gravely sorry. Nothing is big…

In Safety is Release

  "You need to feel safe as much as possible right now. Your eating disorder wants you to feel unsafe." I've just admitted to my dietitian that starting some days off running alone in the dark isn't something I enjoy. In fact, I spend much of the time in a heightened state of anxiety waiting…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…

Dear Sweet Girl,

You are so very loved. You will always be loved. The fervor in which you are loved is beyond your capacity; not for lack of intelligence but because it is so great. Know it is true. Dear sweet girl, your pain is real and valid. You will not be admonished for having a voice.  Use…

In Darkness Find Light

It's ok to not be ok. I am loved regardless of how fast I get through this. It is not a competition. It's ok to slow down. It's ok to cry so much you're not sure where those tears are even coming from--salt stinging your raw skin. It's ok to just hold on. There is…

My Prayers Dissipate

Dear God, Universe, Heavens, Someone In My World, I need to know, right now, I am going to get through this. 5:36am: please let this day be different. 10:45am: I don't have to go to the bathroom, I have to turn the faucet on to remember I am alive. 11:22am: "How are things going with you...?" This is…

Spiritless

I don't think anyone is getting how agonizing it is to hit every tree limb on the way down to emotional rock bottom. How intrusive guilt is because I didn't earn the right to feel despair or to pray for never-ending sleep. How piercing and heavy the sadness is trapped in my body. How hold…