Everything hurts again

When I was little I didn’t get to listen to my body. I don’t think I was connected to it often. I think anxiety took over my tiny body and I felt fear and stomach aches and nothing else. I learned other ways of surviving that worked really well. If I focused hard enough on…

Little-Me in Distress

I was going to write out the guilt I am feeling for trying to lean into help and connection instead of continuing the shutdown I began yesterday. I do feel guilty, on a Sunday, for reaching out. The guilt doesn’t serve me in any way, though. Even if I try to tell myself it’s serving…

Opposite Action

Not purging tonight left me with sorrow. Sometimes it seems like it would have been a better idea to listen to the parts of me that want to protect me from feeling this much. Sometimes opposite actions feel incredibly wrong. Sometimes Most of the time feeling this much is hard to handle alone. In the…

Hurting

The permanent pain that permeates my limbs and thrives in my skull: it drives me way way back —I am little and you are holding me because I am sick and then it is gone and I moving around in fog trying to find my way way back to your arms so mine can stop…

True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Let it all exist

What if I let the panic exist. Welcome it, even. What if I stop fighting it and worrying when it will return and if I will have support in those moments? Deep breath. Keep breathing. It’s just the part of me that is so scared, is 10-12 years old. And 10-year-olds need help. They are…

Somatically Terrified

In my dreams you were holding me — your sweet child. You were loving from the outside looking in. You were protective. I loved you unconditionally. Only as a child can. You were my hero and my idol and I wanted you to be proud of me. In my dreams I would tell you my…

Horrendous Healing

Today was awful. It was grueling. It was terrifying. It was distressing and heartbreaking and sad. A realization of epic proportions and traumatic body memories that refused to subside shoved depression out of the way, allowing grief to pour out. It still hasn’t ended. I feel like I’m in a sleep-paralysis nightmare. The kind where…

A Brave Voice

“Stop!” We yelled, into plush white throw pillows. Scenarios of unwanted physical touch on repeat, and stop is what I wished I could say. A simple command, but never able to get past my throat. I knew it would only makes things worse, then. But not in therapy; in the safety of the closet, with…

Finding Safety

Five: I need help breathing. I feel scared, I need your hand, I need you to hold me, I need you to not let me go. I can’t stop crying and I’m not ok and I’m not sure we’re ok. Help. I’m searching for a place to rest —a place to let the chaos pass…