True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Let it all exist

What if I let the panic exist. Welcome it, even. What if I stop fighting it and worrying when it will return and if I will have support in those moments? Deep breath. Keep breathing. It’s just the part of me that is so scared, is 10-12 years old. And 10-year-olds need help. They are…

Somatically Terrified

In my dreams you were holding me — your sweet child. You were loving from the outside looking in. You were protective. I loved you unconditionally. Only as a child can. You were my hero and my idol and I wanted you to be proud of me. In my dreams I would tell you my…

Horrendous Healing

Today was awful. It was grueling. It was terrifying. It was distressing and heartbreaking and sad. A realization of epic proportions and traumatic body memories that refused to subside shoved depression out of the way, allowing grief to pour out. It still hasn’t ended. I feel like I’m in a sleep-paralysis nightmare. The kind where…

A Brave Voice

“Stop!” We yelled, into plush white throw pillows. Scenarios of unwanted physical touch on repeat, and stop is what I wished I could say. A simple command, but never able to get past my throat. I knew it would only makes things worse, then. But not in therapy; in the safety of the closet, with…

Finding Safety

Five: I need help breathing. I feel scared, I need your hand, I need you to hold me, I need you to not let me go. I can’t stop crying and I’m not ok and I’m not sure we’re ok. Help. I’m searching for a place to rest —a place to let the chaos pass…

Panic Attack Season

“Five needed to ask for help. I’m so glad she made an appearance.” When I get extremely anxious about being abandoned by my therapist, it’s usually little-me that is chaotically frightened. The core of that fear is suddenly not being loved by a caregiver. The fear exists(-ed) because little-me wants to know safety and love…

Fearful Pup

“Where in your body do you feel fear?” In my throat. And my chest. Sometimes it’s lightening fast and tingly and spreads. But sometimes, like right now, it’s suffocating. It’s heavy and debilitatingly crushing. It is too much, so much. (Like me). Little-me needs someone to hold her hand and let her feel the really…