Legs

I can barely breathe. Mom, help, mom please, mom I NEED YOU I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS! I woke up surrounded by walls painted light pink, alphabet comforter covering my little body, on my back in my waterbed, clutching my pink bunny. I thought I was dying. I thought I’d never walk again. My mom…

The Difference of a Year

Last year around this time I was planning a trip to Philadelphia and planning how to die. Obsessively and meticulously planning it. I thought I was going to follow through—that there was no way around it. This year I’m planning how to help others climb out of that hopeless place. It seems surreal... as if…

Hollow Hugs

My chest feels...hollow. It hurts like in December and January, but instead of feeling heavy and debilitating, it feels as though I need someone to give me a hug in order to help heal it. I think that is pretty powerful. Just... letting that sink in and welcoming my little-self to that idea and experience.…

Pushing Past Protectors

Every time I cried for my mom today, she came. The single most healing thing that has come from therapy is this. This is the rawest, most intense, deepest corner of my self—of my inner-child—exposed, and it is, by far, the most amount of pain I’ve ever felt. And she is there. Little-me can cry/wail/scream…

The sound of your heart

Dear little girl, Gosh you are hurting so so much and I wish someone could hold you all the times you need it. I wish that with all of my heart. The pools your tears create are real and tender and valid and you deserve to hold safety as you dive in, over and over.…

Hurting

The permanent pain that permeates my limbs and thrives in my skull: it drives me way way back —I am little and you are holding me because I am sick and then it is gone and I moving around in fog trying to find my way way back to your arms so mine can stop…

Teens

This has been pretty much my process since high school — except the therapist part has only been the last couple years. Graduate school has made it so things are due weekly and I haven’t experienced an academic or professional work load since 2014. I have constant anxiety because even for little, easy things, if…