Breathless

"You've improved your breathing, but I noticed that you have to take a lot of breaths even when we’re having a relaxed conversation, because you're holding your breath.” I held my breath all week. I could not stop gasping for air and after some reflection I wonder if I breathe like this constantly, but now…

Hand on Heart

Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern on Pexels.com The cracks in my armor were filled today in the most cherished way. My heart heals every time I breathe in compassion flowing from loving humans. It gives me strength to find my own, for myself, too. When you hold me and your hand is patting my back, just…

Fat Deposits

Awhile back, at least 6 months ago, I was rocking my 3-year-old as he laid his head on my chest. Each subtle rock pushed his head gently into my sternum and with each rock I winced in pain. A similar pain happens to my spine, hip bones, and the bony parts of my knees when…

Body Image Trauma Response

I am learning. Sometimes relearning, but growing nevertheless. Sometimes it’s excruciatingly painful. Sometimes it’s lovely and inspiring and amazing. Today, it was both. Painful and lovely. Sad and inspiring. Anxiety-ridden and amazing. Thank you, God. Thank you for giving me a vessel to learn in and to build relationships in and to live life in.…

11 Days

I sorely miss freely letting little-me have a voice. I miss my faux fur weighted blanket that softens the blow of “flight” when anxiety rises. I miss being handed my bunny when little-me is stuck, or crying, or scared. I miss the I Love You All Ways children’s book that gets pulled out when you…

Feeling Separated

Today I needed a real, genuine, unforced, pull-me-in hug. The only non-strangers I saw today were my mom, who barely said 5 words to me at a distance, and my husband, who just wasn’t aware. The little girl in me is wondering if my mom even loves me—it doesn’t feel like it. And everything with…

Break (-ing)

Photo by Tobias Bju00f8rkli on Pexels.com This morning when my three-year-old creaked open the door at 5:30am, my body felt like cement bricks. I sent him out with a tablet and closed my eyes hoping when my alarm went off in an hour, everything would feel different. My five-year-old climbed in bed with me at…

Truth in Love

I can do this. My wolfpack is the softest, warmest blanket on the coldest day. This morning, with my dietitian, tears formed while she explained her thoughts and observations about why I slipped. Her observation came separately from my own internal one, which precisely matched hers. It was perfect validation. It was exactly what I…

Trust My Breath

Last night was one of the worst nights of sleep I have ever had, and I have had many rough nights recently. Eating disorders are messy, evil illnesses. It took me years before I stopped going to bed hungry IN RECOVERY, let alone all the times before that that I wasn't sleeping because I was…

How trauma work affects the body

A case study. Subject is effectively rendered useless at multiple times throughout each week. Exhaustion level is characterized as off the charts high. Subject experiences emotional progress but physical felt sense of exposing past traumas takes longer to recover than the authors have time to research for. Conclusion of study: subject needs her mom and…