Dear K (letter #2)

I intentionally ate gluten about 6 hours ago. Nothing bad has happened yet. I guess we’ll really see tomorrow. I ate 1/2 of a poppyseed muffin—the huge ones from Costco—that I told myself I could never have in the throes of my eating disorder and then told myself I couldn’t have after February 14, 2019…

No Time Limits

How long will baby-me need to be held for? How long will little-me need to cry for? How long will teen-me need to yell for? Until she can hold herself, cry whenever and wherever, and stand strong in that anger does not disqualify her from love. A gentle reminder for the parts of me that…

Breathless

"You've improved your breathing, but I noticed that you have to take a lot of breaths even when we’re having a relaxed conversation, because you're holding your breath.” I held my breath all week. I could not stop gasping for air and after some reflection I wonder if I breathe like this constantly, but now…

Hand on Heart

Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern on Pexels.com The cracks in my armor were filled today in the most cherished way. My heart heals every time I breathe in compassion flowing from loving humans. It gives me strength to find my own, for myself, too. When you hold me and your hand is patting my back, just…

Fat Deposits

Awhile back, at least 6 months ago, I was rocking my 3-year-old as he laid his head on my chest. Each subtle rock pushed his head gently into my sternum and with each rock I winced in pain. A similar pain happens to my spine, hip bones, and the bony parts of my knees when…

Body Image Trauma Response

I am learning. Sometimes relearning, but growing nevertheless. Sometimes it’s excruciatingly painful. Sometimes it’s lovely and inspiring and amazing. Today, it was both. Painful and lovely. Sad and inspiring. Anxiety-ridden and amazing. Thank you, God. Thank you for giving me a vessel to learn in and to build relationships in and to live life in.…

11 Days

I sorely miss freely letting little-me have a voice. I miss my faux fur weighted blanket that softens the blow of “flight” when anxiety rises. I miss being handed my bunny when little-me is stuck, or crying, or scared. I miss the I Love You All Ways children’s book that gets pulled out when you…

Feeling Separated

Today I needed a real, genuine, unforced, pull-me-in hug. The only non-strangers I saw today were my mom, who barely said 5 words to me at a distance, and my husband, who just wasn’t aware. The little girl in me is wondering if my mom even loves me—it doesn’t feel like it. And everything with…

Break (-ing)

Photo by Tobias Bju00f8rkli on Pexels.com This morning when my three-year-old creaked open the door at 5:30am, my body felt like cement bricks. I sent him out with a tablet and closed my eyes hoping when my alarm went off in an hour, everything would feel different. My five-year-old climbed in bed with me at…