True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Pain Scale: 8

My neck muscles feel like they’re being sliced open. My insides hurt, physically, chemically, emotionally, all of me is hurting. It’s like the crescendo of pain has tackled me to the ground and provided ransom but no one knows how to pay. We’re all just watching the flailing. I’m outside of some parts, trying to…

Let it all exist

What if I let the panic exist. Welcome it, even. What if I stop fighting it and worrying when it will return and if I will have support in those moments? Deep breath. Keep breathing. It’s just the part of me that is so scared, is 10-12 years old. And 10-year-olds need help. They are…

Inside of Panic

In the center of disastrously high winds, debris taking flight, I am shaking. 98.2, 98.4, 98.5, 98.6, 98.7: body aches spread, but I don’t have a fever so it must be in my head. I just want my mom. I feel the worst I’ve felt. Because all the feelings are there. This is it: this…

Psychotherapy & Fires

“Fire is a natural part of the grassland ecosystem and helps maintain its health and vigor. It warms up the soil and reduces the leaf litter that accumulates each year, allowing sunlight to penetrate. Warming the soil increases microbial activity, which releases nutrients from decaying plant material that new grasses and flowers need to grow.”…

Somatically Terrified

In my dreams you were holding me — your sweet child. You were loving from the outside looking in. You were protective. I loved you unconditionally. Only as a child can. You were my hero and my idol and I wanted you to be proud of me. In my dreams I would tell you my…

You are Seven

You finish all your homework before the bell to go home rings every single day and your dad questions why you never have homework. You are bored the entire year of second grade because it is too easy so you fill your time with writing stories and being the leader of the club you created.…

Safety

I am safe. I can feel the weighted blanket on my lap. I can taste the white chocolate mocha creamer in my coffee. I can hear the heater going and coming out the vent to my right. I can see the kitchen lights. I can smell my coffee. I am safe. Even if I continue…

Horrendous Healing

Today was awful. It was grueling. It was terrifying. It was distressing and heartbreaking and sad. A realization of epic proportions and traumatic body memories that refused to subside shoved depression out of the way, allowing grief to pour out. It still hasn’t ended. I feel like I’m in a sleep-paralysis nightmare. The kind where…