The Mirror Before Me

Oh my God, oh my God. This is so terrible. What are you doing? What have you done? This is going to take so long to fix. The words I said to myself as I stood in front of the mirror, paused from transitioning into pajamas. I forced myself to stay there, bare in front…

You are Here

It’s difficult to find out who you really are is sad. Simply moving your body invites vulnerability out and all the fibers of your being are swimming in piles of grief or guilt. You are sad but what you hoped for was joy. It’s hard to discover your core is built with tears that want…

So Tired

I am utterly exhausted. It’s in my eyes. It’s in the way I carry myself. I can barely see. At first I wanted to scream, “I NEED A BREAK!, LET ME TAKE A FREAKING BREAK!!” But then I realized, I’m still in so much better of a place than 2, 4, 56789 10 months ago,…

15 November 2020

I can’t do this. I am overwhelmed. I can’t stop feeling like I’m about to cry in major defeat. (Once I cry, it’s over, I’ve really lost.) The confidence I had a month ago for life is lost.

Rotting

At my core is heaps of shame and I deserve every rotten thing to come my way. At my core you will find the most putrid smell of acid and ice cream and a thousand pounds of guilt. At my core tornadoes of all the things I can’t handle make me hollow and heavy and…

Holding Her Tightly

Holding on to anxiety and panic and fear takes a lot of energy. But feeling elephantine amounts of sadness renders me immobile. Today my body said no, as much as I wanted it to say yes. The entire afternoon was lost to sleep paralysis on the couch. My inner child just wants to constantly be…

Here in this Void

I am the only one in the world going through what I am going through and feel perilously lonely: like no one can possibly understand even though I desperately want understanding. Maybe because I am the only one in the world going through what I am going through. In the sea of details, I am…

Cracked Armor

Today I feel lost inside chaos I didn’t create but am squarely in the middle of. It seems like everyone else is looking to me to be the strength and guidance they need. And I am. I’ve done it well, so far. But today I want to crumble into the arms of a mother or…