Dear ED,

Stop ruining my life. Stop stealing opportunities for presence, joy, and connection. Why are we still doing this dance? I can’t stand the way you infiltrate my thoughts and creep into EVERYTHING. It takes so much energy not to give in to your commands and go after your promises. So. Much. Energy. I hate it.…

Anger and Fear and Parts of Me

The icy feeling I get that runs rampant in my core and takes over my limbs is mostly gone. I can feel some residue lingering but the impulsivity it brings is mostly a memory from yesterday and the days before that. I’m scared. I am fearful, in the deepest part of my soul, that I’m…

Crisp Air

Photo by Mitch Kesler on Pexels.com "I think that's a trauma response." K** said, enough times that I learned to notice it myself. Often though, when she first started saying it, I didn't quite understand. The sweater I wore all day today might have been triggering? The weather change is triggering? She was merely asking…

Hope-filled

Something interesting is happening. I feel connected. To myself. As well as to others. I used to write here because I felt, from my core, that I was unacceptable and couldn’t possibly share what existed inside of me with anyone who knew me. I thought parts of me were bad, unworthy of being seen or…

Dear K, (letter #5)

I didn’t run for two weeks. The agonizing pain of grief stole so much of my sleep, I’ve not had any motivation or energy to do anything other than what has to be done—and I am much more busy than I have been since having kids. I ran today and all I could think was…

Losing You

Sometimes I get scared that maybe you are dust and my words are going nowhere except into space and sometimes I imagine you holding me, giving space, for all these thoughts and feelings but I need you to keep loving me in dust or spirit or outer space because my heart can’t take losing you…

Snack Support

Today I drove to you. I also brought a gift, but I didn't leave it because there wasn't a good place to, yet. I couldn't find you at first, your plaque isn't up but I didn't know your name wouldn't be anywhere. I searched the entire northeast corner of the cemetery, picking up all the…