Letter to Twenty

Dear Twenty, You are absolutely incredible. You are an unquestionably beautiful and purposeful addition to this world. An optimistic light in dark places even and despite your own seemingly unshakable despair. You will climb out of all the canyons, up and over each and every mountain, and swim bravely across treacherous waters, operating on the…

Unsafe

I live in a safe town in a relatively safe house where I know at least some of my neighbors are safe people. But I live next to a downtown area and a small pocket of poverty, which sometimes feels unsafe. A single wall and 2-lane road divides my house from the beginning of what…

Running Grief

I wanted to run to help myself heal. If my therapist could run with me, she’d get so much more out of me. My heart is broken that I can’t cope in this way. I was looking forward to it. No—depending on it. I feel let down by my body and I don’t know where…

Muscle Memory

Panic run. Panic purge. I didn’t purge. A skip, B skip, C skip. Backwards skip. Carioca, bounding, toe walk, heel walk. Things my brain remembered. We used to do these drills barefoot in the grass in college. It was my favorite part of practice. It felt like flying and freedom and fun. I was trying…

Baby Cub

I am scared. I am sad. I am angry. On Tuesday at approximately 8:40pm, seated on the floor cross-legged with my weighted blanket over my lap, I recounted traumatic events aloud in the safety of my therapist's office. Eleven pages of my own words guided me. It took me 2.5 hours. I've never done something…

Good Grief

As a child if anger overwhelmed, I would squeeze my fingers into my hands to make the tightest of fists, harshly close my eyes, and tense all the muscles in my body until I'd start to shake. I would do that until I couldn't anymore. Often, I'd cry after. But I generally felt some release.…

Coping

Sometimes you come at night while I’m trying to slow down. When I’m trying to forget you, and I cry for protection but no one can hear me. No one can hear me. No. Stop. No. Things I can’t say out loud or loudly enough or without a panic attack. It seems unfair my day…

Anchoring What is Real

I woke up feeling disconnected. I am watching myself in a movie. Nothing feels real or concrete. I'm going to give myself grace for that. Today I'll practice grace, when I judge myself for not working out enough, for eating too little or too much, for noticing cellulite in my swimsuit as I play with…