Brick Wall

I am 5 wanting to cry and needing safe arms. I am 10 and all the times I could have been comforted but wasn’t, is right in front of me. I am 15, angry and hurt, desperately trying to find some shred of love—for fucks sake somebody hug me! Desperately needing an adult to let…

A 5-year-old & Her Therapist

I gain healing when I am able to recognize and embrace the inner child parts of me that feel hurt or sad or angry and receive love in return to letting those emotions and child-state be known. I feel warm, open, willing, enthusiastic, and so hopeful I will keep healing. I kept eating and reached…

Remember This

“Can you just give me a hug?” I say as I bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my shins. I feel tears coming. I feel scared. I feel grief taking over my body. I feel anxiety. Sometimes, anger and frustration. What I can’t feel is where I begin and end.…

Love Me Like This

The way to hold my heart: gently. Sincerely. Authentically. I wrote a couple weeks ago that my heart is too sensitive, fragile, and prickly to hold at all. I wrote that my heart pulls most extremely in polar opposite directions—it is needy and too hot to touch. It simply cannot be properly held by anyone,…

he said

I haven’t slept. Hair unwashed, unbrushed, disheveled. 3-day-old waterproof mascara smudged under my eyes. I stumbled out of bed because I don’t see the point in trying to sleep anymore and head downstairs. “You look pretty,” he says, as he greets me first thing in the morning. I roll my eyes, “uh, thanks.” I can…

Not Sleeping

What is so wrong with me that I cannot, for the life of me, move past depression? One part of me is screaming to let me re-emerge. Optimistic, generally happy (or at least not wanting to constantly die), kind, me. Where did she go? It feels like she is unrecoverable and I have to be…

Both/And

A thunderstorm inside; protected by my exterior. Lightning strikes: beautiful and deadly. Like monsoon season, unpredictable yet a timeframe exists for when one might occur. I think even my support is uncertain, as am I. But now, as I have practiced before, I can lean in. I will choose to feed the good wolf, in…

Write Your Emotions

Sad: it feels like my head is dying, and my heart is in pieces, and air is stuck in my throat. Sad: missed connections. Sad: “mom, why are you sad?” “What?” “The corners of your mouth are like this (4-year-old motions with hands to make her lips point down) and I was noticing that and…