Yoga, Today

Getting in touch with my body: A constant feeling of Stomach acid about to come up Shaky hands On the edge Frozen muscles, frozen bones Shame and guilt and shame Cold sweat Strong urge to run And cry And run And cry Explosive pressure in my head and chest Trapped

Restoring All of Me

“God will never stop loving you. I will never stop loving you.” The conditional love I have for myself is fragile. Wavering. Sometimes absent. Mostly absent. What, exactly, did I ever do to not deserve love from and for myself? My mother said if I ever wondered what I was like as a child I…

F+

I accept progress not perfection. I really do. Now. But failing so many times begins to wear on a girl that ultimately finds her own value in outside praise and believes she’s loved when she’s accomplished things perfectly. Effort is not and has not ever been the problem. I must be fundamentally lacking. Inherently defective.…

That Week that Comes Every Month

This is the week I take a dive. I’m paying attention, this time. I automatically tried to defeat the depression swing with eating disorder armor. But I didn’t really want that. It’s just, even though I’m trying to defend myself instead, the eating disorder armor is super-glued and if you’ve ever found yourself with real…

Reframe

This morning I stepped into the shower lungs burning, coughing, eyes tearing from light sensitivity--thanks steroids. What I could see with an overwhelming fear is a fat body. Fat that wasn't there the day before. Which tells me it's not real, but is still hard to convince myself it's not real. I spent the whole…

Holiday Letter to ED

Dear ED, Go jump off a fucking cliff. And don’t take me with you. I am worthy of help. I am allowed to feel excited about this week ahead. I don’t deserve to be punished just because I am open to receive love, and kindness. Or because I feel hurt. You won yesterday. But I’m…

9pm

Today: (Event) (Anger) Why are you angry? You shouldn't be angry over this, it's not a big deal. (Sadness) YOUR BODY IS SO GROSS! (Anxiety) I shouldn't have eaten so much today. I should have worked out more. Look at all this fat. I hate myself. (Depression)