Dear self,

Maybe don’t cancel anything else this week. Maybe see if being with people and keeping appointments helps keep this depression from sinking it’s teeth all the way in. Maybe try to stop being such a royal bitch to yourself. Maybe keep eating while you’re feeling complete shit. Maybe just try to be an ounce nicer…

Dear K (letter #2)

I intentionally ate gluten about 6 hours ago. Nothing bad has happened yet. I guess we’ll really see tomorrow. I ate 1/2 of a poppyseed muffin—the huge ones from Costco—that I told myself I could never have in the throes of my eating disorder and then told myself I couldn’t have after February 14, 2019…

Maxed

I need my mom. The mom that I would be for my children in the same situation. I cannot endure this much grief, pack up and move houses, be a graduate student, stay on top of kids starting school for the first time on Monday, and fight the eating disorder that wants to take control…

Dear K,

It has only been 4 days since I found out you went to Heaven 5 days ago. The only time I stop thinking about missing you is when I’m sleeping. You are always in my head, guiding me to make choices good for my soul. I’d needed you less and less to make those choices,…

Everything feels wrong. e v e r y t h i n g. It feels wrong to eat and wrong not to. It feels wrong to plan to run and wrong not to. It feels wrong to write and wrong not to. My urges for self care or urges for survival are met with "what…

I need you

K** wouldn’t want her to death to be a reason for derailing my recovery. She would have wanted me to nourish my body and grieve at the same time. But it’s so hard. This is so, so, hard. I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to eat. I feel guilty for even…

F Off ED

Sometimes, It hits you hard in the face: failure, grief, loss. Sometimes, It washes over every cell in your body: rage, worry, love. And sometimes, you realize all of these things are necessary, yet, none of them can exist properly with an eating disorder. Fuck eating disorders. (Fuck off ED) I am here to live…