Feeling Separated

Today I needed a real, genuine, unforced, pull-me-in hug. The only non-strangers I saw today were my mom, who barely said 5 words to me at a distance, and my husband, who just wasn’t aware. The little girl in me is wondering if my mom even loves me—it doesn’t feel like it. And everything with…

Break (-ing)

Photo by Tobias Bju00f8rkli on Pexels.com This morning when my three-year-old creaked open the door at 5:30am, my body felt like cement bricks. I sent him out with a tablet and closed my eyes hoping when my alarm went off in an hour, everything would feel different. My five-year-old climbed in bed with me at…

Day Zero

You guys. I can’t do this. I thought I was finally on this path of recovery that included never purging again. 4.5 months down the shower drain. I thought I would be able to say I made it through the entire year of 2021 without sticking my fingers down my throat. But the truth is…

Divorce

I made it past the 4-month mark. Anorexia hates me but I’m totally (I mean, mostly, most days) fine with filing for divorce from her. Honestly, I don’t need her anymore. I don’t need her abuse or her comfort. Instead, I need to keep letting tears come for little-me. Without Anorexia hanging around, little-me gets…

Legs

I can barely breathe. Mom, help, mom please, mom I NEED YOU I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS! I woke up surrounded by walls painted light pink, alphabet comforter covering my little body, on my back in my waterbed, clutching my pink bunny. I thought I was dying. I thought I’d never walk again. My mom…

The Difference of a Year

Last year around this time I was planning a trip to Philadelphia and planning how to die. Obsessively and meticulously planning it. I thought I was going to follow through—that there was no way around it. This year I’m planning how to help others climb out of that hopeless place. It seems surreal... as if…

SurrenderED

Peace will come in surrender. I’ve hit a physical dead end. I cannot afford to run on empty before I completely crash and burn. I am so tired. I cannot possibly take another day of pounding headaches. I give up my eating disorder. It doesn’t need to win anything. I don’t need to win anything.…

Trauma

I persevered. Through the fear, rejection, and shame feelings. Through a migraine and a fever. Through class. I kept eating. At least, when the migraine-induced nausea subsided. I feel pretty shameful still from Wednesday’s therapy session where the last 15 minutes went downhill fast and I thought I’d recovered but as soon as I stood…