I am really struggling tonight. Today was too much. Today was overwhelming. Today was “there is no turning back now, but how can I go on?” The further away I get from safety, the greater this sinking feeling becomes. Silent crying. I left feeling proud. Like I did a lot of work, and sure, it…
Alkaline Needs
It feels like cancer is slowly spreading, capturing, suffocating, burning each cell in my body in its path of destruction. Everything hurts to touch yet all I want is to be held. Somehow that will make everything better. I want my body to speak, but I’m in so much physical and emotional pain that I…
Trust the Process
“What would help your body feel better right now?” When I was young, a couple times a year I’d get a stomach bug and spend most of the night in the bathroom throwing up. My mom would be there with me, rubbing my back while I fell asleep on the bathroom floor in between vomit…
An Astonishing Body
When I give my body the opportunity, it speaks. Sometimes tiny bits of shattered puzzle pieces clinging to my nervous system escape into safety and sometimes several pieces already put together become exposed all at once. It’s always frightening. It’s always intense. It’s always incredibly healing. I never believed my eating disorder was holding trauma…
Deep Inside Recovery
Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash "I want you to remember what I told you in our very first session. You are doing recovery in the most difficult way possible." I've heard that several times in the last 2 years but today it very much clicks what that really means. "You would have been a…
Concrete
I feel heavy. As if I swallowed bricks. I feel dry, but I’m not dehydrated. I feel like I can’t take in anything else without crumbling. A headache that sticks around for days behind your eyes just enough to make every little thing seem like a big irritating thing, resists the Midol I’ve been downing.…
Feeling Hard
PC: @notesfromyourtherapist Yesterday when I walked into therapy, my body could barely wait to get through the door to start feeling everything I'd been holding onto over the weekend. As soon as I sat down on the floor, weighted blanket covering my body, tears flooded. I felt relieved it wouldn't take 45 minutes to get…
Dear Diary, I Hate Myself.
Photo by Ava Sol on Unsplash Yesterday I reread almost all of my diary-style entries from 2007-2010. The way I wrote was less creative or story-telling and more what was happening that day or week. When I first started reading them I closed out a couple times without even getting through an entire post. I…
Five is here to stay
Five is dangerous. She is needy. She is needing more connection and emotional regulation than she can possibly receive. *** I wrote those words above this morning in the middle of a 5-mile run, frustrated I was feeling panicky and wishing I could be comforted, but judging myself for that. I’d reached out, as a…
24 July 2020, 12:42PM
"I'm going to yell." My therapist says, warning me and trying to give me the opportunity to do the same. "No! Please don't!" I am pleading, because fear has taken over my entire body. I entered angry. So angry. It's a wildfire burning through each cell, attempting to escape but my skin is cement --…
