My eating disorder part is protecting the other parts. I can hear the other parts, the truer parts, the willing parts, screaming to let someone else take over but I can't do it today. And it sends me into depression. It makes me want to scream. I want to cry in frustration. I want a…
Five is so Brave
A lesson I learned this morning, again. https://refeedingthegoodwolf.blog/2020/07/06/a-5-year-old-her-therapist/
You are Here
It’s difficult to find out who you really are is sad. Simply moving your body invites vulnerability out and all the fibers of your being are swimming in piles of grief or guilt. You are sad but what you hoped for was joy. It’s hard to discover your core is built with tears that want…
So Tired
I am utterly exhausted. It’s in my eyes. It’s in the way I carry myself. I can barely see. At first I wanted to scream, “I NEED A BREAK!, LET ME TAKE A FREAKING BREAK!!” But then I realized, I’m still in so much better of a place than 2, 4, 56789 10 months ago,…
Rotting
At my core is heaps of shame and I deserve every rotten thing to come my way. At my core you will find the most putrid smell of acid and ice cream and a thousand pounds of guilt. At my core tornadoes of all the things I can’t handle make me hollow and heavy and…
Holding Her Tightly
Holding on to anxiety and panic and fear takes a lot of energy. But feeling elephantine amounts of sadness renders me immobile. Today my body said no, as much as I wanted it to say yes. The entire afternoon was lost to sleep paralysis on the couch. My inner child just wants to constantly be…
Here in this Void
I am the only one in the world going through what I am going through and feel perilously lonely: like no one can possibly understand even though I desperately want understanding. Maybe because I am the only one in the world going through what I am going through. In the sea of details, I am…
Cracked Armor
Today I feel lost inside chaos I didn’t create but am squarely in the middle of. It seems like everyone else is looking to me to be the strength and guidance they need. And I am. I’ve done it well, so far. But today I want to crumble into the arms of a mother or…
Pep Talks with The Good Wolf
Dear self, You deserve to live a vibrant life. You are capable of healing from trauma and you can fully recover from anorexia. You are exactly where you need to be and you have exactly the right people in your wolf pack. You are brave. You are a survivor. You are a badass rockstar who…
Sick vs Life
Dear body, I’m sorry. I’m trying—hard. I really am. When will you stop hating me? Love, Me Weird kidney lab results. Breast tissue cyst. Costcondritis—that hurts when I breathe. Whole-body aches. Headache. Sore throat. Congestion. Stomach acid problems. Uterus cramps. Almost everything hurts. And then, there’s my brain. The eating disorder coming in loud: see,…
