Face First into a Brick Wall

It's a me thing. It's not a medication thing, an environmental thing, or any other outside factor. If I was created this way, then I must be meant to experience intense depression. It's supposed to show me something ... or something. I brought myself to this place. I have to bring myself out of this…

A Science Game

I used to be precisely afraid of becoming a lab rat. Let's see if this works: bupropion, escitalopram, lorazepam, sertraline, hydroxyzine, trazodone, desvenlafaxine, clonazepam. I never wanted to be involved in this science project. A perfectly healthy body would have existed had I not viciously fucked it up molecule by molecule with poor choice after…

How to Lose Everyone

On Wednesday I didn't show up to a class I'm taking because I couldn't fathom socializing. I've loved going to the class. I missed the topic I was looking forward to the most. Yesterday I canceled all plans for today. And next week. Save for a bachelorette party I can't imagine attending. That's next on…

Psychiatry

I am suddenly feeling extremely alone. No one gets the gravity of this. I am afraid, the eating disorder is afraid, and if we are separate or one; it doesn't matter. The more alone I feel the harder it is to separate out what is me and what is the eating disorder. I imagine falling…