I feel like I am going to B R E A K I am not A B L E To hold these pieces.
1995 or 2021?
I am sitting in the desert wash behind my house, secretly crying, head to knees, knees to chest, arms wrapped around my legs. Mom, Mom, Mom?
Misfire
In the nightmare a black hole begins to swallow me but I am too big to be swallowed. The nightmare spits me out and I can’t wake up —I’m already awake trying to find something that is real. Everything makes so much sense until it doesn’t.
Hurting
The permanent pain that permeates my limbs and thrives in my skull: it drives me way way back —I am little and you are holding me because I am sick and then it is gone and I moving around in fog trying to find my way way back to your arms so mine can stop…
(Disgusting)
Your stomach is not getting bigger. (It’s growing bigger every day) You have to keep eating every meal (You are ruining your body) You don’t have to run when you’re this exhausted (You are so lazy) Your weight doesn’t matter (It matters so much) This nourished body lets you live life (At this rate of…
A Mother
In high school you deserted me in the passenger seat of the stick shift Ford Ranger. An empty lunch box and unbraided hair. You took the bathroom scale away but just down the hall, to your room. You left me crying and you left me a thousand times emotionally at the dinner table, in the…
Bottom Feeder
When you are guilty you are nothing. You are pond scum, pack rat trash, and spit out gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe. The sun cannot find you. You are storms and ear-piercing thunder that makes your whole body shake. You are broken shards of glass and blood everywhere. You are the worst…
When Emotions Run Wild
My body feels like When you’re screaming And no one can hear you. It feels like Floating in a stranger’s backyard pool As heavy bricks laid upon you Take you down slowly to the bottom. It is like Going to bed fearful Of your door opening As a 10-year-old. My body feels like Misery and…
The Sensation of Crying
Slow burn down your nasal passages Static electricity in your chest Punch to your gut Head on fire Then, Salt and water and Self-hatred fill the corners of your eyes You are everything that everyone despises Acid in your throat, on your tongue, on the words you speak to yourself.
Decay
Crushed/tormented/doomed I won’t sleep tonight because the pain behind my eyes is pounding. Pounding: emotional eruption I created this storm even though I didn’t want to. Paralyzed over finding an umbrella And no one else knows I need one In all ways, always, a l l m y f a u l t.
