Going Horizontal Induces Anxiety

Every single night with the out of control anxiety. My chest walls barely contain my speeding heart, I can feel the pounding vibrate my head. Everything feels prickly and dying and at the same time feels wired and too alive. My eye muscles hurt. Getting in the shower hurts. The water pressure against my skin…

Parts, Panicking

I am uncontrollably bouncing between exile, manager, and firefighter. “Self” is so lost. Trying to remind myself what is happening or explain it to myself in somewhat logical terms, is merely causing me to slow down enough to attempt to cope but there is so much anxiety I’m on the brink of not being able…

Rain Damage

It’s like a dam broke. When I try to stop it, I panic. When I ignore it, I am thrown into depression. So I have to let it pour out. A thousand knives flow out with the rush of tears. Scraping, puncturing, taking my breath away. I think this is how I will survive. But…

Running from a Tiger

The tiger can eat me. I’m too exhausted to keep fighting. My eating disorder can win. It dawned on me that even though I’ve made a lot of progress, I still enter fight/flight/freeze often, and I don’t have any more energy left to be here, flighting all the time. I feel like my body should…

Triggered

Sixty miles out at sea On a boat alone No life vest Screaming into thin cold air “Help me” Last breath “Please” (This is what it feels like to be in my body right now) *** My muscles are involuntarily twitching. There is no reason for this. I haven’t worked out in 10 (!!!!!!!) days.…

Breaking

You have to feel all your feelings, they said. You have to let the waves come. You have to accept all of it, wave after wave after wave. Let all of it out. You're safe. But the tears came to my eyes, stinging nettles burning my face. Heat flash. Stop. Full fucking stop. I can't…

Panic Spiral Help

Sometimes words pour out sometimes, they get so stuck. Little-me is stuck so stuck with words. An empty stomach calms the panic that comes with stuck and I feel held by anorexia just thinking about a plan to let her in.