In June

It's always over 100-degrees-hot and the car left outside all day is impossible to slide into without getting burned and sweat pouring out of every pore in your body. June always hurts. The physical sensation is heat: a red angry fire burning your body. June grabs hold of your emotions, too: fiery red anger burning…

Panic

All the things that people have told me to do when panic rises up my spine and burns my neck as it paralyzes the rest of my body: Focus on your breath Hug yourself Pray Call a friend Take an Ativan Take a Benedryl Change environments Take a cold shower Reach out Hold ice Drink…

Triggered

Sixty miles out at sea On a boat alone No life vest Screaming into thin cold air “Help me” Last breath “Please” (This is what it feels like to be in my body right now) *** My muscles are involuntarily twitching. There is no reason for this. I haven’t worked out in 10 (!!!!!!!) days.…

Inside of Panic

In the center of disastrously high winds, debris taking flight, I am shaking. 98.2, 98.4, 98.5, 98.6, 98.7: body aches spread, but I don’t have a fever so it must be in my head. I just want my mom. I feel the worst I’ve felt. Because all the feelings are there. This is it: this…

How

I wish I was better at managing anxiety. It's burning through my body, literally--my stomach is on fire for no other reason. I am holding back another panic attack and terrified tears. I feel paralyzed and helpless. Fear is stealing my strength and will and ability to keep going. Self-doubt is settling in. Confidence is…

Panic Attack Season

“Five needed to ask for help. I’m so glad she made an appearance.” When I get extremely anxious about being abandoned by my therapist, it’s usually little-me that is chaotically frightened. The core of that fear is suddenly not being loved by a caregiver. The fear exists(-ed) because little-me wants to know safety and love…

I’m Trying, Little-Me

Get in the car. Get up, get in the car. Drive home. You’re fine. For fucks sake GET UP NOW! I’m sure I’m going to pass out or throw up and I don’t know which but I’ve already overstayed my welcome and I can’t move but I must move. Guilt and shame and self-hate—why are…