This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

It’s OK to get Better

"What would it look like to have compassion?" "I mean I do for my ma-" "For yourself?" Maybe I have writer's block. Maybe self-compassion is so buried it's undetectable and I can't bring it close enough to the surface to see. Maybe I actually have none. What would the story be if I could give…

Therapy

"I missed you!" But why? She has almost exclusively witnessed and listened to and talked about my worst. There are very few things I've left out, mostly because I don't find them relevant, that could make me look any worse. Literal recounts of intentional puking and constant written and verbal vomit reeking with guilt and…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…

Stuck Points

  A thousand percent stuck. Writing will save me. It has always saved me. It will continue to safely corral my thoughts into something tangible I can begin to make sense of. I am stuck for a reason. Little pieces of my soul cry for the sad child who didn't feel secure. I am stuck…

Dear Sweet Girl,

You are so very loved. You will always be loved. The fervor in which you are loved is beyond your capacity; not for lack of intelligence but because it is so great. Know it is true. Dear sweet girl, your pain is real and valid. You will not be admonished for having a voice.  Use…

In Darkness Find Light

It's ok to not be ok. I am loved regardless of how fast I get through this. It is not a competition. It's ok to slow down. It's ok to cry so much you're not sure where those tears are even coming from--salt stinging your raw skin. It's ok to just hold on. There is…

A Desk and a Tree

That little girl feels scared. That little girl found refuge in every elementary school classroom. In third and fourth grade, I had the same teacher because it was a multi-age classroom. There was a rule in the classroom that anyone could go under her desk at any time if they felt they needed a place…

I’m Not Coming

A migraine. I didn't have a migraine, per say. I refused the casino lights, the loud music, the alcohol. Things a migraine can't handle. But I couldn't get out of bed, so please don't hate me. 2:10pm text: pleaseeeeee come 4:02pm text: do you think you'll come? 4:50pm text: I wish you'd come, we all…