Reframe

This morning I stepped into the shower lungs burning, coughing, eyes tearing from light sensitivity--thanks steroids. What I could see with an overwhelming fear is a fat body. Fat that wasn't there the day before. Which tells me it's not real, but is still hard to convince myself it's not real. I spent the whole…

I felt so good for a second

Shame sits on the bookshelf between the Spanish dictionary I thought I would master in college before my confidence shattered the summer before my junior year, and Catcher in the Rye--I don't know if I belong here either, Holden. Ever-present shame repels any positive attributes that may exist. Shame pulls me away from what is…

Survival Mode

Read a day ago: "Your body never lies." Read an hour ago: "Silence is the most deadly threat to an eating disorder." Read a moment ago: "There is nothing wrong with you. Every part of you has an explanation." My body isn't lying, my silence isn't helping, my reasons are valid. I have to engage…

This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

It’s OK to get Better

"What would it look like to have compassion?" "I mean I do for my ma-" "For yourself?" Maybe I have writer's block. Maybe self-compassion is so buried it's undetectable and I can't bring it close enough to the surface to see. Maybe I actually have none. What would the story be if I could give…

Therapy

"I missed you!" But why? She has almost exclusively witnessed and listened to and talked about my worst. There are very few things I've left out, mostly because I don't find them relevant, that could make me look any worse. Literal recounts of intentional puking and constant written and verbal vomit reeking with guilt and…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…

Stuck Points

  A thousand percent stuck. Writing will save me. It has always saved me. It will continue to safely corral my thoughts into something tangible I can begin to make sense of. I am stuck for a reason. Little pieces of my soul cry for the sad child who didn't feel secure. I am stuck…

Dear Sweet Girl,

You are so very loved. You will always be loved. The fervor in which you are loved is beyond your capacity; not for lack of intelligence but because it is so great. Know it is true. Dear sweet girl, your pain is real and valid. You will not be admonished for having a voice.  Use…