Take Some Love

On Thursday evening I waited for over an hour with my 4-year-old in the car in a hospital parking lot. The crib she slept in the first 18 months of her life, and her brother the same, broken down in the back of our van ready to be a newborn's new place of safety. My…

It’s OK to get Better

"What would it look like to have compassion?" "I mean I do for my ma-" "For yourself?" Maybe I have writer's block. Maybe self-compassion is so buried it's undetectable and I can't bring it close enough to the surface to see. Maybe I actually have none. What would the story be if I could give…

Stuck Points

  A thousand percent stuck. Writing will save me. It has always saved me. It will continue to safely corral my thoughts into something tangible I can begin to make sense of. I am stuck for a reason. Little pieces of my soul cry for the sad child who didn't feel secure. I am stuck…

Dear Sweet Girl,

You are so very loved. You will always be loved. The fervor in which you are loved is beyond your capacity; not for lack of intelligence but because it is so great. Know it is true. Dear sweet girl, your pain is real and valid. You will not be admonished for having a voice.  Use…

Race Day

Today I was told I look like a 12-year-old boy by a 60-year-old male. As a compliment, of course. Anorexia took that and ran with it. Of course that's a compliment. The average 12-year-old boy weighs 88 pounds, thank you! I am not so sure. But it keeps repeating. "You blend right in with all…

Letting Go of (Some) Judgement

I've been extremely hard on myself for thinking that I am excessively needy. There are so many moments when I just need a hug but the thought of reaching out like that means I'm deliberately going against the eating disorder because something that will cause comfort and lead to less anxiety will cause weight gain…

Small Acts of Love

Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now. - Mister Rogers I am being slowly surrounded by people who understand this. Despite my apprehension, anxiety, timidness, and internal push…