Take Some Love

On Thursday evening I waited for over an hour with my 4-year-old in the car in a hospital parking lot. The crib she slept in the first 18 months of her life, and her brother the same, broken down in the back of our van ready to be a newborn's new place of safety. My…

This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

48 hours

Same shirt Same hair No shower Not enough food Not enough water No exercise Tears stream when I wake up, when it's silent, when I'm alone, in my dreams No crying Canceled social plans Added watching others' children *** In the deepest darkness, I envisioned calling my mother and after only getting out a few…

Face First into a Brick Wall

It's a me thing. It's not a medication thing, an environmental thing, or any other outside factor. If I was created this way, then I must be meant to experience intense depression. It's supposed to show me something ... or something. I brought myself to this place. I have to bring myself out of this…

The Room is Spinning

It feels like every traumatic thing I've ever experienced is happening to me right now (to name a few): That time in 2nd grade when my friend's stepfather took their two dogs, leashed them to the back of their pickup truck, and drove as we helplessly watched. I've never been more horrified in my life.…

It’s OK to get Better

"What would it look like to have compassion?" "I mean I do for my ma-" "For yourself?" Maybe I have writer's block. Maybe self-compassion is so buried it's undetectable and I can't bring it close enough to the surface to see. Maybe I actually have none. What would the story be if I could give…

Ceaseless Depression

I am profoundly, perpetually sad. The end. If there is no getting out of it, truly and permanently, then what is the purpose for staying in it? Hope is deceiving. It lingers on sunny days but hides behind the moon, and the storms, and the emptiness of starvation. I am gravely sorry. Nothing is big…

My Eyes are the Color Sad

"I see it in your eyes. Your eyes are sad." The words are piercing. I lose the ability to protect myself as the fortress I've built comes crashing down and wonder if that is also obvious. I feel completely exposed. Here, take my lungs--they're no use to me anyway, I'm hardly breathing. My eyes give…

A Change of Scenery

Will fix everything. When I left here, I never thought I would be back here. And here I find myself struggling to be. Imagining a life here, a career here, even just going back to school here, is oddly impossible. Even in my teens when I was full of optimism and hope for my future,…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…