June 3, 2021 2:48pm

Yesterday: a good day Today: literal and figurative glass shattered into a thousand pieces I cannot do it I can’t make it safe in the kitchen Or in life And I can’t do anything hard without glass pieces everywhere I need help or sleep or both Why is it beyond my capacity to have a…

Opposite Action

Not purging tonight left me with sorrow. Sometimes it seems like it would have been a better idea to listen to the parts of me that want to protect me from feeling this much. Sometimes opposite actions feel incredibly wrong. Sometimes Most of the time feeling this much is hard to handle alone. In the…

Jan 22, 2021, 10:12pm

Sometimes I think, “I’m going to push her until she breaks,” and it will prove that I destroy things I touch in a terrible, terrible way, and I will have to stop living because I broke something so incredibly special. And sometimes, I think that means the end. My story ends here: I am too…

True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Inside of Panic

In the center of disastrously high winds, debris taking flight, I am shaking. 98.2, 98.4, 98.5, 98.6, 98.7: body aches spread, but I don’t have a fever so it must be in my head. I just want my mom. I feel the worst I’ve felt. Because all the feelings are there. This is it: this…

Today

Hurt puppy. Stomach/kidney pain. Sleep deprivation. Canceled support. I hate the grip my eating disorder has on me even if it isn’t successful in restriction it’s generally successful in making sure to sabotage help, when it’s this loud. 3-year-old begging for my attention. I wish I could go to sleep and skip today. And the…

Horrendous Healing

Today was awful. It was grueling. It was terrifying. It was distressing and heartbreaking and sad. A realization of epic proportions and traumatic body memories that refused to subside shoved depression out of the way, allowing grief to pour out. It still hasn’t ended. I feel like I’m in a sleep-paralysis nightmare. The kind where…

Wolf Cry

Finally, relief, I thought as I clenched the spinach in my hand I'd pulled out of the shower drain moments earlier, about to destroy the evidence. I proceeded to watch the evidence float away, and watched the toilet refill all the way back up, clear, no remnants for anyone to happen upon. Goodbye, I thought.…