Restoring All of Me

“God will never stop loving you. I will never stop loving you.” The conditional love I have for myself is fragile. Wavering. Sometimes absent. Mostly absent. What, exactly, did I ever do to not deserve love from and for myself? My mother said if I ever wondered what I was like as a child I…

F+

I accept progress not perfection. I really do. Now. But failing so many times begins to wear on a girl that ultimately finds her own value in outside praise and believes she’s loved when she’s accomplished things perfectly. Effort is not and has not ever been the problem. I must be fundamentally lacking. Inherently defective.…

Reframe

This morning I stepped into the shower lungs burning, coughing, eyes tearing from light sensitivity--thanks steroids. What I could see with an overwhelming fear is a fat body. Fat that wasn't there the day before. Which tells me it's not real, but is still hard to convince myself it's not real. I spent the whole…

4 Months Gone

"What's on your mind right now?" Tell her. "I don't know. Nothing." I say, as I fight tears back but they come anyway. "Nothing is happening? It's empty?" I have to tell her. Just say it. "No, it's just I...can't say it." "What if you write it down?" I am the worst. Why is this…

Take Some Love

On Thursday evening I waited for over an hour with my 4-year-old in the car in a hospital parking lot. The crib she slept in the first 18 months of her life, and her brother the same, broken down in the back of our van ready to be a newborn's new place of safety. My…