23 July 2020, 1:56pm

-Justin McRoberts It takes such sincere intention to reach out to others when you’re trying to climb out of your own pit. Depression is the worst liar. Eating disorders are ruthless, callous, cruel friends. Anxiety is a deceiving, unrelenting alarm clock. They take up your existence and blind you from your values. They make it…

6&7 APR 2020

I will never escape myself. I can’t find grace right now. Or kindness. Or love. [for myself] Fucking up does that. It steals the good parts of me and buries them so deep it takes an army to uncover them.

F+

I accept progress not perfection. I really do. Now. But failing so many times begins to wear on a girl that ultimately finds her own value in outside praise and believes she’s loved when she’s accomplished things perfectly. Effort is not and has not ever been the problem. I must be fundamentally lacking. Inherently defective.…

Reframe

This morning I stepped into the shower lungs burning, coughing, eyes tearing from light sensitivity--thanks steroids. What I could see with an overwhelming fear is a fat body. Fat that wasn't there the day before. Which tells me it's not real, but is still hard to convince myself it's not real. I spent the whole…

4 Months Gone

"What's on your mind right now?" Tell her. "I don't know. Nothing." I say, as I fight tears back but they come anyway. "Nothing is happening? It's empty?" I have to tell her. Just say it. "No, it's just I...can't say it." "What if you write it down?" I am the worst. Why is this…

Take Some Love

On Thursday evening I waited for over an hour with my 4-year-old in the car in a hospital parking lot. The crib she slept in the first 18 months of her life, and her brother the same, broken down in the back of our van ready to be a newborn's new place of safety. My…