True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Inside of Panic

In the center of disastrously high winds, debris taking flight, I am shaking. 98.2, 98.4, 98.5, 98.6, 98.7: body aches spread, but I don’t have a fever so it must be in my head. I just want my mom. I feel the worst I’ve felt. Because all the feelings are there. This is it: this…

Today

Hurt puppy. Stomach/kidney pain. Sleep deprivation. Canceled support. I hate the grip my eating disorder has on me even if it isn’t successful in restriction it’s generally successful in making sure to sabotage help, when it’s this loud. 3-year-old begging for my attention. I wish I could go to sleep and skip today. And the…

Horrendous Healing

Today was awful. It was grueling. It was terrifying. It was distressing and heartbreaking and sad. A realization of epic proportions and traumatic body memories that refused to subside shoved depression out of the way, allowing grief to pour out. It still hasn’t ended. I feel like I’m in a sleep-paralysis nightmare. The kind where…

Wolf Cry

Finally, relief, I thought as I clenched the spinach in my hand I'd pulled out of the shower drain moments earlier, about to destroy the evidence. I proceeded to watch the evidence float away, and watched the toilet refill all the way back up, clear, no remnants for anyone to happen upon. Goodbye, I thought.…

Soberly Drunk

Oh gosh I’m sorry (oh shit): 2:01pm. Get up, walk to car [leave therapy], get in car, close the door, head in hands, cry. 2:06pm: drive away. 2:08pm: feel very much not okay. I’m fine. 2:20pm: very narrowly miss getting in a car accident that would have been both cars faults. I don’t remember getting…

23 July 2020, 1:56pm

-Justin McRoberts It takes such sincere intention to reach out to others when you’re trying to climb out of your own pit. Depression is the worst liar. Eating disorders are ruthless, callous, cruel friends. Anxiety is a deceiving, unrelenting alarm clock. They take up your existence and blind you from your values. They make it…

6&7 APR 2020

I will never escape myself. I can’t find grace right now. Or kindness. Or love. [for myself] Fucking up does that. It steals the good parts of me and buries them so deep it takes an army to uncover them.