Hurting

The permanent pain that permeates my limbs and thrives in my skull: it drives me way way back —I am little and you are holding me because I am sick and then it is gone and I moving around in fog trying to find my way way back to your arms so mine can stop…

Teen Wolf

Let’s recognize the previous post for what it is: the eating disorder’s complete monopolization of my thoughts about myself. Harsh, untrue, malicious, evil words were the only words I spoke to myself over the last 36 hours. That’s what happens when I’m forced to push down monumental emotions of panic and hurt or grief and…

Thirteen to Nineteen

I remember thinking, I will do it all on my own. I don’t need anyone. Always making survival plans. Always protecting little-me. The teenager didn’t want to make those plans constantly. She wanted help. But no one came, in the way she needed. Why is no one coming? I remember wondering. Followed by the regular…

Hey, Teen

Teen me wants you to: 💛 do stuff with me. Go shopping. Make something with me. Cook with me. Eat ice cream with me. Watch Gilmore Girls with me. 💛 give me hand-written notes or cards. 💛 talk about my future, validate and be excited with me over my goals and dreams and hopes. 💛…

Teens

This has been pretty much my process since high school — except the therapist part has only been the last couple years. Graduate school has made it so things are due weekly and I haven’t experienced an academic or professional work load since 2014. I have constant anxiety because even for little, easy things, if…

How to Find Me

When I try to find compassion, I am met with incredible resistance. To be clear, I meet myself with frustrating resistance. Anger-filled push-back. Is this the eating disorder? How quickly I became one with it, if it is. And how quickly I lost the ability to discern for myself, if it is. I have to…

Parts, Panicking

I am uncontrollably bouncing between exile, manager, and firefighter. “Self” is so lost. Trying to remind myself what is happening or explain it to myself in somewhat logical terms, is merely causing me to slow down enough to attempt to cope but there is so much anxiety I’m on the brink of not being able…

Too much guilt

Today I couldn’t stop thinking about Madison Holleran. Her story is here. Shame and guilt and grief have taken over my day today. Last year at exactly this time, I realized only after getting caught up in my guilt, I’d finished reading What Made Maddy Run and saw myself in her so much that I…