Breathless

"You've improved your breathing, but I noticed that you have to take a lot of breaths even when we’re having a relaxed conversation, because you're holding your breath.” I held my breath all week. I could not stop gasping for air and after some reflection I wonder if I breathe like this constantly, but now…

In June

It's always over 100-degrees-hot and the car left outside all day is impossible to slide into without getting burned and sweat pouring out of every pore in your body. June always hurts. The physical sensation is heat: a red angry fire burning your body. June grabs hold of your emotions, too: fiery red anger burning…

Body Memory

“Can I go to the bathroom, please?” My fourth grade teacher nods and I make my way across the courtyard to the female restrooms. There are 5 stalls and 2 sinks and I am alone in the bathroom. It smells like sweat and Lysol and mold. I breath a sigh of relief that I am…

More Rollercoaster

Photo by Ferbugs on Pexels.com Today felt like a fight. An internal battle where the enemy wins. It felt like therapy today was a waste of time. The acid in my throat never settled and I felt weak leaving my therapist's office. Little-me wanted so badly to be there with her. There are so many…

My Heart and the Holy Spirit

Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com A friend sent me this article last night. It was the catalyst for a major shift from the last two weeks. I spent practically all day yesterday believing my relationship with my therapist couldn't possibly go on any longer. I spent it tearful and angry and extremely depressed. I…

11 Days

I sorely miss freely letting little-me have a voice. I miss my faux fur weighted blanket that softens the blow of “flight” when anxiety rises. I miss being handed my bunny when little-me is stuck, or crying, or scared. I miss the I Love You All Ways children’s book that gets pulled out when you…

Death of Little Parts

Photo by Meruyert Gonullu on Pexels.com Little-me is screaming so loud, only to be muffled by everything around her. She is not heard for the first time in awhile. She does not feel safe. She cannot find her mom. I feel panic in my body. I am not sure anyone really understands. I feel angry,…

Feeling Separated

Today I needed a real, genuine, unforced, pull-me-in hug. The only non-strangers I saw today were my mom, who barely said 5 words to me at a distance, and my husband, who just wasn’t aware. The little girl in me is wondering if my mom even loves me—it doesn’t feel like it. And everything with…

Break (-ing)

Photo by Tobias Bju00f8rkli on Pexels.com This morning when my three-year-old creaked open the door at 5:30am, my body felt like cement bricks. I sent him out with a tablet and closed my eyes hoping when my alarm went off in an hour, everything would feel different. My five-year-old climbed in bed with me at…

Truth in Love

I can do this. My wolfpack is the softest, warmest blanket on the coldest day. This morning, with my dietitian, tears formed while she explained her thoughts and observations about why I slipped. Her observation came separately from my own internal one, which precisely matched hers. It was perfect validation. It was exactly what I…