Lost to Tears

It’s 4:04am now, I’ve been awake since 2am, but wasn’t sleeping well before that either. I’m laying here with tears streaming down my face, remembering all the times K comforted me. All the times in the same 90-minutes that we cried and laughed. Genuine laughter. After feeling safe enough to show up with all of…

Nerves

I feel incredibly anxious. What part of you is trying to tell you something? Little-me needs approval, or she is bad / getting in trouble / never going to amount to anything / unloveable. That’s what’s happening right now. I felt worried my professor wouldn’t approve of me. If she didn’t approve, I wouldn’t pass…

No Time Limits

How long will baby-me need to be held for? How long will little-me need to cry for? How long will teen-me need to yell for? Until she can hold herself, cry whenever and wherever, and stand strong in that anger does not disqualify her from love. A gentle reminder for the parts of me that…

Breathless

"You've improved your breathing, but I noticed that you have to take a lot of breaths even when we’re having a relaxed conversation, because you're holding your breath.” I held my breath all week. I could not stop gasping for air and after some reflection I wonder if I breathe like this constantly, but now…

In June

It's always over 100-degrees-hot and the car left outside all day is impossible to slide into without getting burned and sweat pouring out of every pore in your body. June always hurts. The physical sensation is heat: a red angry fire burning your body. June grabs hold of your emotions, too: fiery red anger burning…

Body Memory

“Can I go to the bathroom, please?” My fourth grade teacher nods and I make my way across the courtyard to the female restrooms. There are 5 stalls and 2 sinks and I am alone in the bathroom. It smells like sweat and Lysol and mold. I breath a sigh of relief that I am…

More Rollercoaster

Photo by Ferbugs on Pexels.com Today felt like a fight. An internal battle where the enemy wins. It felt like therapy today was a waste of time. The acid in my throat never settled and I felt weak leaving my therapist's office. Little-me wanted so badly to be there with her. There are so many…

My Heart and the Holy Spirit

Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com A friend sent me this article last night. It was the catalyst for a major shift from the last two weeks. I spent practically all day yesterday believing my relationship with my therapist couldn't possibly go on any longer. I spent it tearful and angry and extremely depressed. I…