I am paralyzed inside a storm of overwhelm. I don’t want any help, I want to be left here alone. Shards of glass are flying everywhere and if anyone moves I will be irreparably hurt. So I’ll just stay here inside my wreckage because nothing else makes sense.
No Time Limits
How long will baby-me need to be held for? How long will little-me need to cry for? How long will teen-me need to yell for? Until she can hold herself, cry whenever and wherever, and stand strong in that anger does not disqualify her from love. A gentle reminder for the parts of me that…
Breathless
"You've improved your breathing, but I noticed that you have to take a lot of breaths even when we’re having a relaxed conversation, because you're holding your breath.” I held my breath all week. I could not stop gasping for air and after some reflection I wonder if I breathe like this constantly, but now…
Hand on Heart
Photo by Puwadon Sang-ngern on Pexels.com The cracks in my armor were filled today in the most cherished way. My heart heals every time I breathe in compassion flowing from loving humans. It gives me strength to find my own, for myself, too. When you hold me and your hand is patting my back, just…
Body Memory
“Can I go to the bathroom, please?” My fourth grade teacher nods and I make my way across the courtyard to the female restrooms. There are 5 stalls and 2 sinks and I am alone in the bathroom. It smells like sweat and Lysol and mold. I breath a sigh of relief that I am…
This
Body Image Trauma Response
I am learning. Sometimes relearning, but growing nevertheless. Sometimes it’s excruciatingly painful. Sometimes it’s lovely and inspiring and amazing. Today, it was both. Painful and lovely. Sad and inspiring. Anxiety-ridden and amazing. Thank you, God. Thank you for giving me a vessel to learn in and to build relationships in and to live life in.…
More Rollercoaster
Photo by Ferbugs on Pexels.com Today felt like a fight. An internal battle where the enemy wins. It felt like therapy today was a waste of time. The acid in my throat never settled and I felt weak leaving my therapist's office. Little-me wanted so badly to be there with her. There are so many…
My Heart and the Holy Spirit
Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com A friend sent me this article last night. It was the catalyst for a major shift from the last two weeks. I spent practically all day yesterday believing my relationship with my therapist couldn't possibly go on any longer. I spent it tearful and angry and extremely depressed. I…
11 Days
I sorely miss freely letting little-me have a voice. I miss my faux fur weighted blanket that softens the blow of “flight” when anxiety rises. I miss being handed my bunny when little-me is stuck, or crying, or scared. I miss the I Love You All Ways children’s book that gets pulled out when you…
