Panic Attack Season

“Five needed to ask for help. I’m so glad she made an appearance.” When I get extremely anxious about being abandoned by my therapist, it’s usually little-me that is chaotically frightened. The core of that fear is suddenly not being loved by a caregiver. The fear exists(-ed) because little-me wants to know safety and love…

Trauma Response for a Part

It's five who wanted to cry Wednesday night. It's five who couldn't talk, couldn't write, couldn't fathom ever telling a secret she was sure was meant for no one. It's five who cried when she did tell. It's five who is in the hurt box right now, from not receiving a single hug since Wednesday.…

Stomach Pit

My eating disorder part is protecting the other parts. I can hear the other parts, the truer parts, the willing parts, screaming to let someone else take over but I can't do it today. And it sends me into depression. It makes me want to scream. I want to cry in frustration. I want a…

The Mirror Before Me

Oh my God, oh my God. This is so terrible. What are you doing? What have you done? This is going to take so long to fix. The words I said to myself as I stood in front of the mirror, paused from transitioning into pajamas. I forced myself to stay there, bare in front…

You are Here

It’s difficult to find out who you really are is sad. Simply moving your body invites vulnerability out and all the fibers of your being are swimming in piles of grief or guilt. You are sad but what you hoped for was joy. It’s hard to discover your core is built with tears that want…

Holding Her Tightly

Holding on to anxiety and panic and fear takes a lot of energy. But feeling elephantine amounts of sadness renders me immobile. Today my body said no, as much as I wanted it to say yes. The entire afternoon was lost to sleep paralysis on the couch. My inner child just wants to constantly be…

Sick vs Life

Dear body, I’m sorry. I’m trying—hard. I really am. When will you stop hating me? Love, Me Weird kidney lab results. Breast tissue cyst. Costcondritis—that hurts when I breathe. Whole-body aches. Headache. Sore throat. Congestion. Stomach acid problems. Uterus cramps. Almost everything hurts. And then, there’s my brain. The eating disorder coming in loud: see,…

Fearful Pup

“Where in your body do you feel fear?” In my throat. And my chest. Sometimes it’s lightening fast and tingly and spreads. But sometimes, like right now, it’s suffocating. It’s heavy and debilitatingly crushing. It is too much, so much. (Like me). Little-me needs someone to hold her hand and let her feel the really…

Layers

Five: I need someone to know I’m still here, so sad. I wish I could concisely explain the anger and stress of this weekend. Adult me was all that was available, because little-me can’t handle graduate work and oh, BEING VERBALLY ASSAULTED! I don’t have the brain power to explain the events that transpired Friday…