Hurting

The permanent pain that permeates my limbs and thrives in my skull: it drives me way way back —I am little and you are holding me because I am sick and then it is gone and I moving around in fog trying to find my way way back to your arms so mine can stop…

A Mother

In high school you deserted me in the passenger seat of the stick shift Ford Ranger. An empty lunch box and unbraided hair. You took the bathroom scale away but just down the hall, to your room. You left me crying and you left me a thousand times emotionally at the dinner table, in the…

Teen Wolf

Let’s recognize the previous post for what it is: the eating disorder’s complete monopolization of my thoughts about myself. Harsh, untrue, malicious, evil words were the only words I spoke to myself over the last 36 hours. That’s what happens when I’m forced to push down monumental emotions of panic and hurt or grief and…

Thirteen to Nineteen

I remember thinking, I will do it all on my own. I don’t need anyone. Always making survival plans. Always protecting little-me. The teenager didn’t want to make those plans constantly. She wanted help. But no one came, in the way she needed. Why is no one coming? I remember wondering. Followed by the regular…

Teens

This has been pretty much my process since high school — except the therapist part has only been the last couple years. Graduate school has made it so things are due weekly and I haven’t experienced an academic or professional work load since 2014. I have constant anxiety because even for little, easy things, if…

Parts, Panicking

I am uncontrollably bouncing between exile, manager, and firefighter. “Self” is so lost. Trying to remind myself what is happening or explain it to myself in somewhat logical terms, is merely causing me to slow down enough to attempt to cope but there is so much anxiety I’m on the brink of not being able…

Running from a Tiger

The tiger can eat me. I’m too exhausted to keep fighting. My eating disorder can win. It dawned on me that even though I’ve made a lot of progress, I still enter fight/flight/freeze often, and I don’t have any more energy left to be here, flighting all the time. I feel like my body should…

Jan 22, 2021, 10:12pm

Sometimes I think, “I’m going to push her until she breaks,” and it will prove that I destroy things I touch in a terrible, terrible way, and I will have to stop living because I broke something so incredibly special. And sometimes, I think that means the end. My story ends here: I am too…