9-11AM

I am really struggling tonight. Today was too much. Today was overwhelming. Today was “there is no turning back now, but how can I go on?” The further away I get from safety, the greater this sinking feeling becomes. Silent crying. I left feeling proud. Like I did a lot of work, and sure, it…

Trust the Process

“What would help your body feel better right now?” When I was young, a couple times a year I’d get a stomach bug and spend most of the night in the bathroom throwing up. My mom would be there with me, rubbing my back while I fell asleep on the bathroom floor in between vomit…

An Astonishing Body

When I give my body the opportunity, it speaks. Sometimes tiny bits of shattered puzzle pieces clinging to my nervous system escape into safety and sometimes several pieces already put together become exposed all at once. It’s always frightening. It’s always intense. It’s always incredibly healing. I never believed my eating disorder was holding trauma…

Acid Burning

“I hate him.” The only words that escape my mouth while trying to catch my breath. I hate him and I love him. “I know.” My therapist says softly but confidently like she was waiting for those exact words to come. Her tone tells me it’s ok to say that, and I hold on to…

Childhood Closet

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com A tiny space with old carpet, filled with clothes and shoes and stuff I can't remember. I put a hole through a shoe box and locked it with a padlock. All my thoughts went in there. Various things to write with and a skinny white memo pad, with another hole…

Feeling Hard

PC: @notesfromyourtherapist Yesterday when I walked into therapy, my body could barely wait to get through the door to start feeling everything I'd been holding onto over the weekend. As soon as I sat down on the floor, weighted blanket covering my body, tears flooded. I felt relieved it wouldn't take 45 minutes to get…

Boiling Point

Why do I feel defensive, anxious, angry, and fearful every time my phone rings and “dad” shows up on the screen? Because I had to defend myself every single day of my childhood. How come I can only freeze when I feel anger? Because anger wasn’t allowed without major consequences. Why does anger simultaneously bring…

Five is here to stay

Five is dangerous. She is needy. She is needing more connection and emotional regulation than she can possibly receive. *** I wrote those words above this morning in the middle of a 5-mile run, frustrated I was feeling panicky and wishing I could be comforted, but judging myself for that. I’d reached out, as a…

Support Team Love

I tried to help myself in these ways (SCOPE) in the last couple weeks. It's helpful for me to continually be reminded how much my nervous system runs the show. It makes it easier to come to terms with really feeling like I need a hug, stat, and not judging it too much. It is…

Email Inbox

Five unread I can’t stand the red alert and open it immediately at 5:11am. I don’t read them this morning: New York Times daily brief—delete. Spam—delete. Insurance notifications—delete. Bank account notifications—delete. Daily devotion: What Persecution Proves—delete. I could care less about anything save for my inner circle’s well being. Especially myself. I usually open all…