Obituary

I still can’t believe she’s gone. The picture in the obituary is her. I’m feeling sick all over again. How is this real, COME BACK! Please, just come back.

Grief p.3

Depression is: driving home in a storm, eyes filled with tears screaming to get out, and no one answers the phone. It is the sinking shift from inviting emotions to be, and instead shutting them down. For survival. It’s being the only one in a room that knows the color of your brain: black. It…

Maxed

I need my mom. The mom that I would be for my children in the same situation. I cannot endure this much grief, pack up and move houses, be a graduate student, stay on top of kids starting school for the first time on Monday, and fight the eating disorder that wants to take control…

Dear K,

It has only been 4 days since I found out you went to Heaven 5 days ago. The only time I stop thinking about missing you is when I’m sleeping. You are always in my head, guiding me to make choices good for my soul. I’d needed you less and less to make those choices,…

Everything feels wrong. e v e r y t h i n g. It feels wrong to eat and wrong not to. It feels wrong to plan to run and wrong not to. It feels wrong to write and wrong not to. My urges for self care or urges for survival are met with "what…

I need you

K** wouldn’t want her to death to be a reason for derailing my recovery. She would have wanted me to nourish my body and grieve at the same time. But it’s so hard. This is so, so, hard. I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to eat. I feel guilty for even…

Grief

The outside corners of my eyes are rubbed raw. Salty tears sting every centimeter of the path down my cheeks. I can’t see very well through the constant layers of tears, heavy eyelids, and headache that’s existed all day since I found out at 10:05am this morning. I feel nauseous. I don’t know where today…

Pain Scale: 8

My neck muscles feel like they’re being sliced open. My insides hurt, physically, chemically, emotionally, all of me is hurting. It’s like the crescendo of pain has tackled me to the ground and provided ransom but no one knows how to pay. We’re all just watching the flailing. I’m outside of some parts, trying to…