Body Image Trauma Response

I am learning. Sometimes relearning, but growing nevertheless. Sometimes it’s excruciatingly painful. Sometimes it’s lovely and inspiring and amazing. Today, it was both. Painful and lovely. Sad and inspiring. Anxiety-ridden and amazing. Thank you, God. Thank you for giving me a vessel to learn in and to build relationships in and to live life in.…

My Heart and the Holy Spirit

Photo by Hernan Pauccara on Pexels.com A friend sent me this article last night. It was the catalyst for a major shift from the last two weeks. I spent practically all day yesterday believing my relationship with my therapist couldn't possibly go on any longer. I spent it tearful and angry and extremely depressed. I…

SurrenderED

Peace will come in surrender. I’ve hit a physical dead end. I cannot afford to run on empty before I completely crash and burn. I am so tired. I cannot possibly take another day of pounding headaches. I give up my eating disorder. It doesn’t need to win anything. I don’t need to win anything.…

Pushing Past Protectors

Every time I cried for my mom today, she came. The single most healing thing that has come from therapy is this. This is the rawest, most intense, deepest corner of my self—of my inner-child—exposed, and it is, by far, the most amount of pain I’ve ever felt. And she is there. Little-me can cry/wail/scream…

A Core of Shame

I know logically I am the girl in this picture. But I feel like the shadow. I think the shadow is shame. And covering the shame is depression and holding depression’s hand is grief. I want to know God’s love for me despite shame, but I think He hates me and that makes me want…

Competitor

I minimize my prep and collegiate athletic experience because I wasn't the best. But I worked incredibly hard to get to where I did, even if it was barely anything. Throughout the recovery process and tearing apart my identity I actually thought for a while the eating disorder part of me ran the show for…

Wolf Pack Part II

On my way out of this session, I kept repeating, "why would God let that happen?" Despite the way it might look if I am being judged solely on my words from this blog, I am actually a very optimistic person and am usually the first in a group to recognize something good from shit.…