Finding Safety

Five: I need help breathing. I feel scared, I need your hand, I need you to hold me, I need you to not let me go. I can’t stop crying and I’m not ok and I’m not sure we’re ok. Help. I’m searching for a place to rest —a place to let the chaos pass…

How

I wish I was better at managing anxiety. It's burning through my body, literally--my stomach is on fire for no other reason. I am holding back another panic attack and terrified tears. I feel paralyzed and helpless. Fear is stealing my strength and will and ability to keep going. Self-doubt is settling in. Confidence is…

Boiling Point

Why do I feel defensive, anxious, angry, and fearful every time my phone rings and “dad” shows up on the screen? Because I had to defend myself every single day of my childhood. How come I can only freeze when I feel anger? Because anger wasn’t allowed without major consequences. Why does anger simultaneously bring…

Both/And

A thunderstorm inside; protected by my exterior. Lightning strikes: beautiful and deadly. Like monsoon season, unpredictable yet a timeframe exists for when one might occur. I think even my support is uncertain, as am I. But now, as I have practiced before, I can lean in. I will choose to feed the good wolf, in…

F E A R

Maybe a year ago, I was sitting on the floor of my dietitian's office, my untouched lunch on the coffee table in front of me. "What are you really afraid of? You're not afraid of food." Her words felt piercing. Who was she to tell me what I am or am not afraid of? My…

Coping

Sometimes you come at night while I’m trying to slow down. When I’m trying to forget you, and I cry for protection but no one can hear me. No one can hear me. No. Stop. No. Things I can’t say out loud or loudly enough or without a panic attack. It seems unfair my day…

Survival Mode

Read a day ago: "Your body never lies." Read an hour ago: "Silence is the most deadly threat to an eating disorder." Read a moment ago: "There is nothing wrong with you. Every part of you has an explanation." My body isn't lying, my silence isn't helping, my reasons are valid. I have to engage…

22 years ago

Dear 10-year-old self, It's ok to be scared. There isn't anything wrong with needing caring adult arms wrapped around your tiny body, your face buried in a safe chest, your rapid heart beat falling with warm embrace. And then, it's ok to let tears spill and soak the shirt of the nonjudgmental and loving human…