Both/And

A thunderstorm inside; protected by my exterior. Lightning strikes: beautiful and deadly. Like monsoon season, unpredictable yet a timeframe exists for when one might occur. I think even my support is uncertain, as am I. But now, as I have practiced before, I can lean in. I will choose to feed the good wolf, in…

F E A R

Maybe a year ago, I was sitting on the floor of my dietitian's office, my untouched lunch on the coffee table in front of me. "What are you really afraid of? You're not afraid of food." Her words felt piercing. Who was she to tell me what I am or am not afraid of? My…

Coping

Sometimes you come at night while I’m trying to slow down. When I’m trying to forget you, and I cry for protection but no one can hear me. No one can hear me. No. Stop. No. Things I can’t say out loud or loudly enough or without a panic attack. It seems unfair my day…

Survival Mode

Read a day ago: "Your body never lies." Read an hour ago: "Silence is the most deadly threat to an eating disorder." Read a moment ago: "There is nothing wrong with you. Every part of you has an explanation." My body isn't lying, my silence isn't helping, my reasons are valid. I have to engage…

22 years ago

Dear 10-year-old self, It's ok to be scared. There isn't anything wrong with needing caring adult arms wrapped around your tiny body, your face buried in a safe chest, your rapid heart beat falling with warm embrace. And then, it's ok to let tears spill and soak the shirt of the nonjudgmental and loving human…