Lost to Tears

It’s 4:04am now, I’ve been awake since 2am, but wasn’t sleeping well before that either. I’m laying here with tears streaming down my face, remembering all the times K comforted me. All the times in the same 90-minutes that we cried and laughed. Genuine laughter. After feeling safe enough to show up with all of…

Feeling Things Deeply

Fear bubbles to the surface as it stops at every place in my body on it's way to the final destination: my voice. My optimistic personality gets quickly lost in my dreams as they turn to nightmares and truth makes itself clear. I don't think he meant for this to happen. But it did. Dad.…

Divorce

I made it past the 4-month mark. Anorexia hates me but I’m totally (I mean, mostly, most days) fine with filing for divorce from her. Honestly, I don’t need her anymore. I don’t need her abuse or her comfort. Instead, I need to keep letting tears come for little-me. Without Anorexia hanging around, little-me gets…

Opposite Action

Not purging tonight left me with sorrow. Sometimes it seems like it would have been a better idea to listen to the parts of me that want to protect me from feeling this much. Sometimes opposite actions feel incredibly wrong. Sometimes Most of the time feeling this much is hard to handle alone. In the…

Decay

Crushed/tormented/doomed I won’t sleep tonight because the pain behind my eyes is pounding. Pounding: emotional eruption I created this storm even though I didn’t want to. Paralyzed over finding an umbrella And no one else knows I need one In all ways, always, a l l m y f a u l t.

Rain Damage

It’s like a dam broke. When I try to stop it, I panic. When I ignore it, I am thrown into depression. So I have to let it pour out. A thousand knives flow out with the rush of tears. Scraping, puncturing, taking my breath away. I think this is how I will survive. But…

True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Inside of Panic

In the center of disastrously high winds, debris taking flight, I am shaking. 98.2, 98.4, 98.5, 98.6, 98.7: body aches spread, but I don’t have a fever so it must be in my head. I just want my mom. I feel the worst I’ve felt. Because all the feelings are there. This is it: this…