True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Inside of Panic

In the center of disastrously high winds, debris taking flight, I am shaking. 98.2, 98.4, 98.5, 98.6, 98.7: body aches spread, but I don’t have a fever so it must be in my head. I just want my mom. I feel the worst I’ve felt. Because all the feelings are there. This is it: this…

You are Seven

You finish all your homework before the bell to go home rings every single day and your dad questions why you never have homework. You are bored the entire year of second grade because it is too easy so you fill your time with writing stories and being the leader of the club you created.…

Teen Feelings

Dear teen self, It’s ok to feel aching. Aggravated, belittled, resentful, wounded, tender, let down. It’s ok to feel unsettled. Depressed, anxious, dismal, angry, chaotic. It’s ok to feel inadequate. Disordered, trapped, frustrated, paralyzed. Dear teen self, I don’t know how to help you. I’m so irritated you exist sometimes. Your desperateness is appalling and…

Generational Trauma

Tears started pouring down my moms face and she couldn’t talk. I knew once that happened the conversation was more or less over. “It’s ok,” I say as she apologizes I can see anger written all over her body that she’d let herself cry. The first time I heard the term “generational trauma” I approached…

Birthday Week

It's sad that during BIRTHDAY WEEK a celebration! I feel sad and removed disconnected, exhausted, fearful when I imagined relief, joy, excitement It's unsettling to make this much progress and still wind up here, on my birthday.

Breaking

You have to feel all your feelings, they said. You have to let the waves come. You have to accept all of it, wave after wave after wave. Let all of it out. You're safe. But the tears came to my eyes, stinging nettles burning my face. Heat flash. Stop. Full fucking stop. I can't…

She/Me/Five

Months ago I met a girl she is intuitive -ly sad -ly grief-stricken She is unabashed -ly feeling -ly loving She is joyful -ly showing up -ly determined Months ago I met a girl Intuitively, unabashedly, joyfully extending her hand out to the rest of herself letting all her parts be and exist fully even…

Quiet After The Storm

The dust settled. Over 102 miles, 5 hours, lunch, 2 houses, 2 schools, 1 track and field, and a frozen yogurt later: I feel sure I am supposed to be alive. Just 4 months ago I was writing suicide letters to loved ones. “Dear [therapist name],” I started, but never could finish that one. Tears…