Experiment Win

I have a cold. Being sick almost always triggers me. Consuming less, opting out of going out, eating only healthy things; the things that happen naturally when I'm sick are also the things that I do when I'm trying to lose weight. It is the perfect excuse to unravel. Plus, it's January, and I have…

Thoughts & Actions

If a deer happened to leap into the road, causing me to swerve off this icy road into a ditch ... My thoughts trailed off, like many times before. I am frightened by these thoughts. I know I am loved, so much, how could I possibly be so ungrateful, so selfish? I used to drive…

A Sort Of Drug

My veins are pulsing. I know it must be excruciatingly difficult for people without an eating disorder to understand. I didn't ask for or provoke such conversation, but it happened. I stood callously by as someone else's story was told in jest. She could have been telling my story. This is exactly why I cannot…

Pretend Lies

Sometimes I tell myself that I made the whole thing up. Then, I pretend for the rest of the day that I don't care about gaining weight at all. I eat Muenster cheese and crackers and sit on the couch watching television mindlessly, ignoring the rush of thoughts that whisper, but you didn't run enough today…

Champagne & Cake

I love birthdays. I love my birthday and everyone else's birthday. I am always up for celebrating, even if the only reason to celebrate is because there isn't a reason not to celebrate. My day is just around the corner, and being in a new place with exactly 3 friends, 2 of which have small…

A Slow 180 Seconds

I think I'm going to die. My husband is going to come into the living room and find me on the couch, no longer breathing.  A panic attack. My heart skipped a beat and all the blood in my head rushed out. My face got hot and the heat spread to my neck, shoulders, and chest.…

Unlivable

"Do you remember much about the last time you were [really sick]?" "Yes, I mean, I think so, why?" "That is where you're headed." ********************** One night in 2007, I had planned to go to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. I was prepared for her to call to make dinner plans,…

This

Sometimes there is a place, a very dark place, where you feel like you cannot stop. No matter what, no matter how much fun you are having, no matter how sane you are feeling-- you cannot, will not, seems impossible, Stop.

I Lose Control At Night

My eyelids open. It's 3am. I was asleep a second ago, and now I am wide awake and tears start to stream down my face. Perplexed and annoyed, my frustration at this weird event becomes tangible so at least I can understand the next tears that flow. Is it possible that I'm so detached from my…

I’m Trying

  When I stand with the fridge open for way too long then close it without getting anything, When I do the same with the pantry, When I get mad that I'm hungry and you're not, I am defeated. I've let the eating disorder win, and you don't realize what's going on. To you, I'm…