So Tired

I am utterly exhausted. It’s in my eyes. It’s in the way I carry myself. I can barely see. At first I wanted to scream, “I NEED A BREAK!, LET ME TAKE A FREAKING BREAK!!” But then I realized, I’m still in so much better of a place than 2, 4, 56789 10 months ago,…

Deep Inside Recovery

Photo by Sven Brandsma on Unsplash "I want you to remember what I told you in our very first session. You are doing recovery in the most difficult way possible." I've heard that several times in the last 2 years but today it very much clicks what that really means. "You would have been a…

Support Team Love

I tried to help myself in these ways (SCOPE) in the last couple weeks. It's helpful for me to continually be reminded how much my nervous system runs the show. It makes it easier to come to terms with really feeling like I need a hug, stat, and not judging it too much. It is…

You’re Losing Me

The child in me feels neglected. I am suddenly not interested in getting back to safety. Maybe because I’m not sure where safety is. As a child I used to go searching for spots of safety outside and that’s exactly what I’ve found myself doing the last couple days. The search was futile and just…

Another Intake

A sparkly blue fidget cube transfers from my left to right hand and I click the light switch button on it back and forth nervously for what feels like an eternity. So many extremely thin girls are walking through the doors. Click, click, click. I do not belong here.  Click, click, click. A familiar face,…

Meals

"Let's be real, you won't eat breakfast. You won't eat morning snack. ..." I agreed in the moment. It is real that that is my pattern. But something else happened: I got a little bit internally mad that it was being assumed I'd skip meals. As soon as I'm told I won't or can't do…

Dietitian Appointment

"Oh wow. OK. That's huge!" I shrug. "You've got to slow down." My dietitian barely manages to say as tears start flowing. I don't know how to respond. "Nooooo don't cry, I'm sorry I said anything" is what first comes to mind. But I say nothing and fight back my own tears. Actually, I swallow…