Dear K,

It has only been 4 days since I found out you went to Heaven 5 days ago. The only time I stop thinking about missing you is when I’m sleeping. You are always in my head, guiding me to make choices good for my soul. I’d needed you less and less to make those choices,…

Everything feels wrong. e v e r y t h i n g. It feels wrong to eat and wrong not to. It feels wrong to plan to run and wrong not to. It feels wrong to write and wrong not to. My urges for self care or urges for survival are met with "what…

I need you

K** wouldn’t want her to death to be a reason for derailing my recovery. She would have wanted me to nourish my body and grieve at the same time. But it’s so hard. This is so, so, hard. I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to eat. I feel guilty for even…

Truth in Love

I can do this. My wolfpack is the softest, warmest blanket on the coldest day. This morning, with my dietitian, tears formed while she explained her thoughts and observations about why I slipped. Her observation came separately from my own internal one, which precisely matched hers. It was perfect validation. It was exactly what I…

The ED Trap

I am rambling and at the end of my verbal vomit, I say, my eating disorder must keep existing because there are hard things it knows I still have to get through. My dietitian smiles so big I cannot help but mirror it. So there we are both smiling even though I feel simultaneously miserable…

True Things

I can both (severely) struggle with my parents past and current behavior and have compassionate understanding and love for them along with a desire for a different future relationship with them at the same time. Sometimes opposing emotions really throw me for a loop. Yesterday my dietitian and I were talking through possibilities for why…

Gratitude Practice

Image credit: IG @gc_doodles I hope you know your kindness takes the pain away, even if briefly, and that it never goes unnoticed. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by support, I lose my words. I hope you feel seen and heard and comforted, in the way you do for me. I have survived because of…

Psychotherapy & Fires

“Fire is a natural part of the grassland ecosystem and helps maintain its health and vigor. It warms up the soil and reduces the leaf litter that accumulates each year, allowing sunlight to penetrate. Warming the soil increases microbial activity, which releases nutrients from decaying plant material that new grasses and flowers need to grow.”…

Horrendous Healing

Today was awful. It was grueling. It was terrifying. It was distressing and heartbreaking and sad. A realization of epic proportions and traumatic body memories that refused to subside shoved depression out of the way, allowing grief to pour out. It still hasn’t ended. I feel like I’m in a sleep-paralysis nightmare. The kind where…