Another Intake

A sparkly blue fidget cube transfers from my left to right hand and I click the light switch button on it back and forth nervously for what feels like an eternity. So many extremely thin girls are walking through the doors. Click, click, click. I do not belong here.  Click, click, click. A familiar face,…

Sane & Sound & Rational

Homework: Rewrite testimony to be more vulnerable. (Fail, didn't do it, deadline passed.) Homework: Fill out 26 pages of paperwork. (Fail, didn't do it, deadline Monday.) Homework: Write a letter to Maddy. (Fail, because you can't "feel" faulty.) Dear Maddy, I feel removed, inferior, spurious. The past couple weeks felt faulty, and I want to…

Anorexia Says

I, I, I. I am extraordinarily selfish. I am unreasonably emotional. I am spinning in circles. Anorexia says. Oh, how I believe her. I am quick to believe all of it without any shades of grey. Anorexia says: your thighs are embarrassing. You need to lose 10 pounds. Stat. You need to run more. You…

Nebulous

When I’m not starving (And speeding death up) I’m flooded with “Why are you here?” (And speeding death up) Or sometimes it’s both (Starving and why are you here) And then life feels like an ongoing major crisis Which seems fictional But I thought I was writing non-fiction this entire time —now I’m lost in…

Kind of High

I have not felt this good in a long time. All of a sudden I have an ounce of confidence. I had to stop myself from signing up for everything and starting a million different things that have been on the back burner for years. I stopped out of fear I won’t feel this way…

Owning Trauma

In an effort to quell the part of me that is royally annoyed with this depression deep dive, I went to the end of the internet and back with Peter Levine and Somatic Experiencing and tigers and I didn’t mean to end up here watching this interview, but I did, and my mind exploded at…

Falling Apart

I feel: Hyper vigilant Dizzy Tearful Extremely anxious Terrifying depression Uncertain Unstable Unlovable LazyTired *** I haven’t: Worked out all week Showered all week Talked in person to another adult human being besides my husband all week *** Is this my life? How can I continue like this?

The Weight of a Weighted Blanket

You wake up at every hour of the night in between the kind of nightmares only your brain could create. You are sweaty and cold and pull the weighted blanket over you. Maybe adding 10 pounds to your body will help you sleep. It does. You don’t want to get up when it’s finally time…

Post I Never Posted

r/MomForAMinute u/FTGW Mom, I decided I didn’t need to take the antidepressant I’ve been prescribed this morning. Because I woke up in the dark, dark, dark and it does not make any sense to me why I feel like this on it so I might as well be off it. Birth control: same. I barely…