I need you

K** wouldn’t want her to death to be a reason for derailing my recovery. She would have wanted me to nourish my body and grieve at the same time. But it’s so hard. This is so, so, hard. I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to eat. I feel guilty for even…

Grief

The outside corners of my eyes are rubbed raw. Salty tears sting every centimeter of the path down my cheeks. I can’t see very well through the constant layers of tears, heavy eyelids, and headache that’s existed all day since I found out at 10:05am this morning. I feel nauseous. I don’t know where today…

Both/And

A thunderstorm inside; protected by my exterior. Lightning strikes: beautiful and deadly. Like monsoon season, unpredictable yet a timeframe exists for when one might occur. I think even my support is uncertain, as am I. But now, as I have practiced before, I can lean in. I will choose to feed the good wolf, in…

Pictures

I am staring at pictures of my sweet 2- and 4- year old children. You can’t give up, how terrible for them! And it sends me further into the depths of depression (how can I be so terrible to even think about ...). My thoughts feel too out of control. I feel abandoned. I feel…

Drowning

None of my senses are working. I am not here. I am delicately floating on my back, the air trapped in my lungs keeping my nose above cold cerulean waters, this isn’t my life. Dry, brittle, long brown hair conforming to each wave, arms stretched out letting water glide over and under, this isn’t my…

Poison

I will always be this way; the bad wolf beckoning. I give in because I have to survive this way. It doesn’t seem like a choice. (All the shame comes rushing in: I do have choices.) I feel so sick letting it run me over yet I don’t believe I have the power to stop…

Instructions

When I die (Because I will) Spread my ashes In all my favorite places: The top of the Zugspitze, The Rocky Mountains, The sand in San Sebastián. At Lake Powell, Along the trails of Cinque Terre, & La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. Leave a piece of me in Istanbul, Iguazu Falls, & Buttermilk Falls. Then…