Everything feels wrong. e v e r y t h i n g. It feels wrong to eat and wrong not to. It feels wrong to plan to run and wrong not to. It feels wrong to write and wrong not to. My urges for self care or urges for survival are met with "what…

I need you

K** wouldn’t want her to death to be a reason for derailing my recovery. She would have wanted me to nourish my body and grieve at the same time. But it’s so hard. This is so, so, hard. I don’t feel hungry. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to eat. I feel guilty for even…

Generational Trauma

Photo by Andrew Patrick on Pexels.com There is a reason 3 cousins, each from different parents, raised in 3 different states and who didn't have a ton of interaction growing up but whom share the same set of grandparents, have eating disorders. I wonder if there's any more. There are 11 cousins on that side…

Reframe

Photo by Jess Vide on Pexels.com So many good things are going on right now. This is a different type of stress than I have been used to in the past couple of years, and I have the ability to be inside of it all and feel excited, joyful, optimistic, hopeful, inspired, and motivated. Stress,…

Nerves

I feel incredibly anxious. What part of you is trying to tell you something? Little-me needs approval, or she is bad / getting in trouble / never going to amount to anything / unloveable. That’s what’s happening right now. I felt worried my professor wouldn’t approve of me. If she didn’t approve, I wouldn’t pass…

No Time Limits

How long will baby-me need to be held for? How long will little-me need to cry for? How long will teen-me need to yell for? Until she can hold herself, cry whenever and wherever, and stand strong in that anger does not disqualify her from love. A gentle reminder for the parts of me that…

Breathless

"You've improved your breathing, but I noticed that you have to take a lot of breaths even when we’re having a relaxed conversation, because you're holding your breath.” I held my breath all week. I could not stop gasping for air and after some reflection I wonder if I breathe like this constantly, but now…

I Must Be Gaining

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com It seems like more often than not, if I have a significant therapy session, my eating disorder creeps back into my thoughts a couple hours later. It's like things start to unconsciously become overwhelming and all of a sudden it's evening and I've barely eaten. My stomach hurt all day.…