Legs

I can barely breathe. Mom, help, mom please, mom I NEED YOU I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS! I woke up surrounded by walls painted light pink, alphabet comforter covering my little body, on my back in my waterbed, clutching my pink bunny. I thought I was dying. I thought I’d never walk again. My mom…

The Difference of a Year

Last year around this time I was planning a trip to Philadelphia and planning how to die. Obsessively and meticulously planning it. I thought I was going to follow through—that there was no way around it. This year I’m planning how to help others climb out of that hopeless place. It seems surreal... as if…

Trauma

I persevered. Through the fear, rejection, and shame feelings. Through a migraine and a fever. Through class. I kept eating. At least, when the migraine-induced nausea subsided. I feel pretty shameful still from Wednesday’s therapy session where the last 15 minutes went downhill fast and I thought I’d recovered but as soon as I stood…

The ED Trap

I am rambling and at the end of my verbal vomit, I say, my eating disorder must keep existing because there are hard things it knows I still have to get through. My dietitian smiles so big I cannot help but mirror it. So there we are both smiling even though I feel simultaneously miserable…

The sound of your heart

Dear little girl, Gosh you are hurting so so much and I wish someone could hold you all the times you need it. I wish that with all of my heart. The pools your tears create are real and tender and valid and you deserve to hold safety as you dive in, over and over.…

Hey, Teen

Teen me wants you to: 💛 do stuff with me. Go shopping. Make something with me. Cook with me. Eat ice cream with me. Watch Gilmore Girls with me. 💛 give me hand-written notes or cards. 💛 talk about my future, validate and be excited with me over my goals and dreams and hopes. 💛…

Teens

This has been pretty much my process since high school — except the therapist part has only been the last couple years. Graduate school has made it so things are due weekly and I haven’t experienced an academic or professional work load since 2014. I have constant anxiety because even for little, easy things, if…

How to Find Me

When I try to find compassion, I am met with incredible resistance. To be clear, I meet myself with frustrating resistance. Anger-filled push-back. Is this the eating disorder? How quickly I became one with it, if it is. And how quickly I lost the ability to discern for myself, if it is. I have to…