This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

Therapy

"I missed you!" But why? She has almost exclusively witnessed and listened to and talked about my worst. There are very few things I've left out, mostly because I don't find them relevant, that could make me look any worse. Literal recounts of intentional puking and constant written and verbal vomit reeking with guilt and…

My Eyes are the Color Sad

"I see it in your eyes. Your eyes are sad." The words are piercing. I lose the ability to protect myself as the fortress I've built comes crashing down and wonder if that is also obvious. I feel completely exposed. Here, take my lungs--they're no use to me anyway, I'm hardly breathing. My eyes give…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…

Vacation

It's just food. In a sense it's easier to quiet the voice that says you aren't aloud to eat while on vacation. Routine-less and removed from my everyday environment, it's easier to fight it off. There is an end in close sight, I know I can try to briefly enjoy life now, and if I…

My Prayers Dissipate

Dear God, Universe, Heavens, Someone In My World, I need to know, right now, I am going to get through this. 5:36am: please let this day be different. 10:45am: I don't have to go to the bathroom, I have to turn the faucet on to remember I am alive. 11:22am: "How are things going with you...?" This is…

Do Not Jump

You're not too much. You're just human. A human who needs to eat and breath and stay alive. A body with a fragile but strong heart. A newborn needing to be held. A child that has a lot of crying to do without fear and judgement. A teenager vying for approval and love. A young…

How to Lose Everyone

On Wednesday I didn't show up to a class I'm taking because I couldn't fathom socializing. I've loved going to the class. I missed the topic I was looking forward to the most. Yesterday I canceled all plans for today. And next week. Save for a bachelorette party I can't imagine attending. That's next on…

Spiritless

I don't think anyone is getting how agonizing it is to hit every tree limb on the way down to emotional rock bottom. How intrusive guilt is because I didn't earn the right to feel despair or to pray for never-ending sleep. How piercing and heavy the sadness is trapped in my body. How hold…

Connection

It's an internally haunting space to be in upon coming to the realization most of the people who care, I pay. Not to sell myself short of those who care, but they don't know all the details. The only people that have all the details, are paid professionals. And I am too afraid to let…