Yoga, Today

Getting in touch with my body: A constant feeling of Stomach acid about to come up Shaky hands On the edge Frozen muscles, frozen bones Shame and guilt and shame Cold sweat Strong urge to run And cry And run And cry Explosive pressure in my head and chest Trapped

F+

I accept progress not perfection. I really do. Now. But failing so many times begins to wear on a girl that ultimately finds her own value in outside praise and believes she’s loved when she’s accomplished things perfectly. Effort is not and has not ever been the problem. I must be fundamentally lacking. Inherently defective.…

Holiday Letter to ED

Dear ED, Go jump off a fucking cliff. And don’t take me with you. I am worthy of help. I am allowed to feel excited about this week ahead. I don’t deserve to be punished just because I am open to receive love, and kindness. Or because I feel hurt. You won yesterday. But I’m…

I felt so good for a second

Shame sits on the bookshelf between the Spanish dictionary I thought I would master in college before my confidence shattered the summer before my junior year, and Catcher in the Rye--I don't know if I belong here either, Holden. Ever-present shame repels any positive attributes that may exist. Shame pulls me away from what is…

This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

Therapy

"I missed you!" But why? She has almost exclusively witnessed and listened to and talked about my worst. There are very few things I've left out, mostly because I don't find them relevant, that could make me look any worse. Literal recounts of intentional puking and constant written and verbal vomit reeking with guilt and…

My Eyes are the Color Sad

"I see it in your eyes. Your eyes are sad." The words are piercing. I lose the ability to protect myself as the fortress I've built comes crashing down and wonder if that is also obvious. I feel completely exposed. Here, take my lungs--they're no use to me anyway, I'm hardly breathing. My eyes give…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…

Vacation

It's just food. In a sense it's easier to quiet the voice that says you aren't aloud to eat while on vacation. Routine-less and removed from my everyday environment, it's easier to fight it off. There is an end in close sight, I know I can try to briefly enjoy life now, and if I…