This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

Void

Therapy put me back in my body, but I left hours later at the sight of my stomach. Sweet, sweet 2-year-old kisses and 4-year-old hugs put me back in my body, until nap time happened and silence ensued. Reaching out put me back in my body long enough to eat a lunch that was practically…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…

Vacation

It's just food. In a sense it's easier to quiet the voice that says you aren't aloud to eat while on vacation. Routine-less and removed from my everyday environment, it's easier to fight it off. There is an end in close sight, I know I can try to briefly enjoy life now, and if I…

I’m Not Coming

A migraine. I didn't have a migraine, per say. I refused the casino lights, the loud music, the alcohol. Things a migraine can't handle. But I couldn't get out of bed, so please don't hate me. 2:10pm text: pleaseeeeee come 4:02pm text: do you think you'll come? 4:50pm text: I wish you'd come, we all…

My Prayers Dissipate

Dear God, Universe, Heavens, Someone In My World, I need to know, right now, I am going to get through this. 5:36am: please let this day be different. 10:45am: I don't have to go to the bathroom, I have to turn the faucet on to remember I am alive. 11:22am: "How are things going with you...?" This is…

I did this today

I wanted to smash my scale in 2014, but I couldn't let go of the security I found in knowing the next time I needed to be validated, I could step on the unforgiving surface and be reassured of my worth with every ounce lost. I remarkably, sincerely, unequivocally needed that validation. So much so…

Mistake #63718373837

This weekend I paused enough to play. I didn't just watch my little ones play or say "I'll play when I'm done with ..." and then never get around to being done. I really played with them. For hours across the last 3 days. I realized in those moments I love being their mom. I…

One Year

I'm doing it. I'm fighting back. I'm observing all my thoughts (with judgement, but I'm pretty sure that's going to take a much longer time) and acting opposite to the eating disorder abuse. It feels almost unbearably wrong. It feels surreal. A part of me is dying and even though I know that part of…