Kind of High

I have not felt this good in a long time. All of a sudden I have an ounce of confidence. I had to stop myself from signing up for everything and starting a million different things that have been on the back burner for years. I stopped out of fear I won’t feel this way…

Falling Apart

I feel: Hyper vigilant Dizzy Tearful Extremely anxious Terrifying depression Uncertain Unstable Unlovable LazyTired *** I haven’t: Worked out all week Showered all week Talked in person to another adult human being besides my husband all week *** Is this my life? How can I continue like this?

The Weight of a Weighted Blanket

You wake up at every hour of the night in between the kind of nightmares only your brain could create. You are sweaty and cold and pull the weighted blanket over you. Maybe adding 10 pounds to your body will help you sleep. It does. You don’t want to get up when it’s finally time…

Yoga, Today

Getting in touch with my body: A constant feeling of Stomach acid about to come up Shaky hands On the edge Frozen muscles, frozen bones Shame and guilt and shame Cold sweat Strong urge to run And cry And run And cry Explosive pressure in my head and chest Trapped

Restoring All of Me

“God will never stop loving you. I will never stop loving you.” The conditional love I have for myself is fragile. Wavering. Sometimes absent. Mostly absent. What, exactly, did I ever do to not deserve love from and for myself? My mother said if I ever wondered what I was like as a child I…

F+

I accept progress not perfection. I really do. Now. But failing so many times begins to wear on a girl that ultimately finds her own value in outside praise and believes she’s loved when she’s accomplished things perfectly. Effort is not and has not ever been the problem. I must be fundamentally lacking. Inherently defective.…

That Week that Comes Every Month

This is the week I take a dive. I’m paying attention, this time. I automatically tried to defeat the depression swing with eating disorder armor. But I didn’t really want that. It’s just, even though I’m trying to defend myself instead, the eating disorder armor is super-glued and if you’ve ever found yourself with real…

Reframe

This morning I stepped into the shower lungs burning, coughing, eyes tearing from light sensitivity--thanks steroids. What I could see with an overwhelming fear is a fat body. Fat that wasn't there the day before. Which tells me it's not real, but is still hard to convince myself it's not real. I spent the whole…