That Week that Comes Every Month

This is the week I take a dive. I’m paying attention, this time. I automatically tried to defeat the depression swing with eating disorder armor. But I didn’t really want that. It’s just, even though I’m trying to defend myself instead, the eating disorder armor is super-glued and if you’ve ever found yourself with real…

Reframe

This morning I stepped into the shower lungs burning, coughing, eyes tearing from light sensitivity--thanks steroids. What I could see with an overwhelming fear is a fat body. Fat that wasn't there the day before. Which tells me it's not real, but is still hard to convince myself it's not real. I spent the whole…

2020 Focus

What is something that makes you feel good? In the beginning of recovery I kept reading and hearing that I needed hobbies. But I could never answer the question. My answers involved things that aided my eating disorder: running. Gym. Even walking my dog didn’t escape Anorexia’s hold on everything. My answer now is knowing…

Holiday Letter to ED

Dear ED, Go jump off a fucking cliff. And don’t take me with you. I am worthy of help. I am allowed to feel excited about this week ahead. I don’t deserve to be punished just because I am open to receive love, and kindness. Or because I feel hurt. You won yesterday. But I’m…

9pm

Today: (Event) (Anger) Why are you angry? You shouldn't be angry over this, it's not a big deal. (Sadness) YOUR BODY IS SO GROSS! (Anxiety) I shouldn't have eaten so much today. I should have worked out more. Look at all this fat. I hate myself. (Depression)