22 years ago

Dear 10-year-old self, It's ok to be scared. There isn't anything wrong with needing caring adult arms wrapped around your tiny body, your face buried in a safe chest, your rapid heart beat falling with warm embrace. And then, it's ok to let tears spill and soak the shirt of the nonjudgmental and loving human…

Grace, again.

Maybe I can give myself some grace for being in a season of change. Change is hard even if it's positive. Sure, this season is agonizingly longer than winter, spring, summer, and fall combined but I'm doing something powerful for myself that is literally saving my life. If I hadn't had the courage to take…

Love Me

Can I forgive myself for all the things I did because I was just trying to be loved? I didn't understand, as a child, that I was just trying to survive and that the ways I coped weren't destructive on purpose. They held a purpose, they protected me when I felt scared, alone, and vulnerable.…

Take Some Love

On Thursday evening I waited for over an hour with my 4-year-old in the car in a hospital parking lot. The crib she slept in the first 18 months of her life, and her brother the same, broken down in the back of our van ready to be a newborn's new place of safety. My…

This.

My greatest fear is that one day I'll wake up and realize I don't have many more days of waking up, and that I wasted my life away in a mad sea of uncontrollable emotional chaos that swelled into an eating disorder which never took my life but took my life.

Temporary Relief

I am more vulnerable and more willing to let go and trust out of sheer desperation. I don't want to be here, eclipsed by my own harrowing thoughts. Some sort of reprieve came this morning, though. Today was so good. I reached out and used my own strength to get through meals I know I…

48 hours

Same shirt Same hair No shower Not enough food Not enough water No exercise Tears stream when I wake up, when it's silent, when I'm alone, in my dreams No crying Canceled social plans Added watching others' children *** In the deepest darkness, I envisioned calling my mother and after only getting out a few…