Meet Me Right Here

Sometimes I open up Recovery Record and stare at the day or previous days and wonder what kind of person puts themselves through hell, on purpose, most days. Sometimes I reread what I've written here. The further back in time I go the more depressing it is as it becomes evident how arduous and relentless…

The Absence of Suicide Ideation

Chai tea is one of my favorite things. I banned it because of the higher calorie content and lower caffeine content versus coffee. Today my baby step and act of kindness toward myself is drinking the chai tea. Yes, the mug says "Kind Coffee" on it, my favorite coffee in the US (Estes Park, CO).…

In July

Things I heard recently: "That fat fuck doesn't know what he's doing!" "Hey, shit for brains." "What would it be like to forgive yourself?" This week: Car totaled: buy new car. Home warranty expired 26 days ago: A/C died: Move out of 90 degree house for the week: Buy new A/C. SEVEN appointments. I'm not that…

I Choose Fight

"Is there some sort of trauma timeline or process we are following?" "Yes, but you have to have adequate nutrition first." That felt a little bit like getting punched in the face. I literally cannot move forward in my life with anything until I can figure out how to be consistent with adequate nutrition and…

Running Tape

Get yourself together and just do it. My mantra, for better or worse. Get yourself together and just ... Stop eating. Start eating. Purge. Run. Stop crying. Initiate sex. Eat breakfast. Grocery shop. Make dinner. Workout. Wear shorts. Take the kids to the pool. Get out of the house. Get out of the kitchen. Make…

In Recovery

The space where I'm at right now isn't mine. This odd sensation that I am displaced persists in an unsettling way. The air isn't mine to breathe, my body is asking for too much from me. I don't live here: I don't recognize any of these pieces. The space where I'm at right now is…

Human Connection

Isn't it funny how you took the pieces of me I needed the most? How you severed all the invisible ways I needed in order to believe in love and connection. You poured cement over my spirit and walked away like nothing happened. Isn't it funny how I dissolve because I'm so scared when I…