Cold Air

I remember when you would put your hand on my thigh while we traveled in the car, while we were sitting on the couch, while we were at a restaurant. Your eyes would catch mine and I would instantly know I was beautiful. I remember when you would sweetly, quietly, kiss me goodbye, without fail,…

I Have No Idea

All I want to do right now is purge. That is all. What THE FUCK is going on that I can't let this feeling go? What is this? Relapse? Slip up? Nothing? ... And I'll settle for nothing because everything else seems totally crazy.

I skipped a whole month

I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of trying to not think about this. But a lot of thinking about it anyway. The reason is mostly because I have not been running. Pretty much at all. Because the half marathon shattered my IT Band and piriformis (again). And has inhibited me from running.…

Seriously?

I weigh 111. Not 111.5, 111. How does this keep happening? I check myself over and could swear to anyone I've gained a few pounds. I'd also swear I'm not eating any less. I have noticed the return of that sick feeling around certain foods I used to eat regularly, like yogurt for example. I…

what?

It is so strange to keep hearing the same thing over and over again, you're thin, and all I can do is tell myself they're lying. My brain refuses to agree and becomes confused every time something like this is said. I just don't get it. They can't all be lying. They can't all be…

weighty issues

There is something about the scale that has this magnificent control over my emotions. I am back to my cross country weight! FINALLY. 116.5. Not only that, but I weighed myself at 3pm, obviously not the prime time to be weighing one's self. I ran 6 miles this morning, and took in a lot of…

sinking feeling

why why why. GOOOOOOOOOO AWAY. Please please go away. I HATE you. I despise you. How are you?  Excellent. Fine. Good. I am fat, that is how I am. I am scared and excited and nervous. I am unable to defeat the mirror's horrific reflection daily. Luckily the bathroom was too dirty. But it did…