Downward Slope

It's as if I have a full-blown-out-of-control eating disorder in thought only (mostly). None (almost none) of the actions are present, all of the thoughts are swarming. I'm not trying to act them out, but it's slowly seeping into my life. I've basically lost my appetite. I go to eat but more and more frequently…

Dusting

OH you look so skinny!  The words sear into my brain until it's all I can think about. It's the first time anyone, besides my husband, has offered their observation on my appearance in months. Finally. Finally, someone has noticed.  I am walking the thinnest line. I've arrived here unintentionally, I didn't mean to lose…

Hometown Blues

I'm feeling lost. I'm living in the town I went to high school in, I don't have a job, it's already getting too hot to venture out much in the middle of the day (with a baby). I'm sleeping in the same room I threw up in for the first time. I'm writing this post…

Night Sweat

My heart races faster with each breath and tiny beads of sweat drip from the pores of my body. I pull the covers off and lay in bed cold, waiting for the dry Colorado air to do it's job. My blood pressure was through the roof at the dentist the other day. I can feel…

A Sort Of Drug

My veins are pulsing. I know it must be excruciatingly difficult for people without an eating disorder to understand. I didn't ask for or provoke such conversation, but it happened. I stood callously by as someone else's story was told in jest. She could have been telling my story. This is exactly why I cannot…

A Slow 180 Seconds

I think I'm going to die. My husband is going to come into the living room and find me on the couch, no longer breathing.  A panic attack. My heart skipped a beat and all the blood in my head rushed out. My face got hot and the heat spread to my neck, shoulders, and chest.…

Unlivable

"Do you remember much about the last time you were [really sick]?" "Yes, I mean, I think so, why?" "That is where you're headed." ********************** One night in 2007, I had planned to go to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in awhile. I was prepared for her to call to make dinner plans,…

This

Sometimes there is a place, a very dark place, where you feel like you cannot stop. No matter what, no matter how much fun you are having, no matter how sane you are feeling-- you cannot, will not, seems impossible, Stop.

I Lose Control At Night

My eyelids open. It's 3am. I was asleep a second ago, and now I am wide awake and tears start to stream down my face. Perplexed and annoyed, my frustration at this weird event becomes tangible so at least I can understand the next tears that flow. Is it possible that I'm so detached from my…