You Win, Eating Disorder

I am wide awake at 11pm and I hear do squats, now. It feels familiar. It feels calming. It feels like a goal I can quickly accomplish. I don’t do them. But I want to. I want to give in. I gave in last night. Eat ice cream & purge it. Now. And I did.…

Instructions

When I die (Because I will) Spread my ashes In all my favorite places: The top of the Zugspitze, The Rocky Mountains, The sand in San Sebastián. At Lake Powell, Along the trails of Cinque Terre, & La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. Leave a piece of me in Istanbul, Iguazu Falls, & Buttermilk Falls. Then…

Describing Emotional Pain

(It must be) Like accidentally slicing your skin to bone with a brand new chopping knife and feeling alternating relief and extreme pain as you watch your blood pour out. Like fainting, hitting your head on the corner of a glass table on your way down, and everyone around saying, “she’s fine. Just leave her.”…

Between Two Hard Places

It’s harder to get through the no-therapy days feeling this vulnerable. It’s lonely in this middle spot, working through stuff I can’t really share anywhere else. Heavy depression swoops in so fast after being brave and I guess I’m just supposed to cope with it. Without restricting, purging, over-exercising, and any other maladaptive way to…

Needing Human Comfort

Sometimes I need an educated explanation for what I'm going through. Somatic experiencing helped with that. Every Tuesday for 6 weeks I was reassured (and learning more) about why my body does what it does in terms of trauma. The skills I learned in the class were helpful but not the selling point for me--I…

Alarms

I am holding onto so much fear. My memories are jarred and jarring. But not complete. They are fossils. Broken, fragmented, rough-edged fossils. I am back in fight or flight. My throat feels tingly. I want to fly very far away. I am positive I will die some minutes. And then my brain stops playing…

By the Lake

I am running the hilly, winding, mostly empty highway. I can see the lake and the mountains and the sun rising and it looks like a desert painting. But it’s not a painting; I can feel my body moving, hitting the pavement, sweating, elevated breathing, and it’s real. I feel strong. In that moment I…