Title-less

Hope is fleeting and I’m not sure I’ll make it to anything tomorrow. I so appreciate all the helpers in my life. But I think depression is too strong this time. My name is foreign to me. It’s jarring to see and I can’t connect with my own real name at all—as if I don’t…

Ten

Dear Ten, You are rolled up shorts at the bus stop because you aren’t allowed to leave the house in short shorts. You are afraid to make friends with anyone in a bigger body, but it’s not your fault. You are afraid if you bring them home to play, your character will be judged because…

Life Continues

I’m not sure why my brain is (still) trying to kill me, but it is. There isn’t much left to say. (Except maybe; goodbye.) I know if most people who see me regularly saw my words they would be astounded. More shocked than anything else. But it’s just part of the way I survive. And…

Keep Showing Up

“Let it hurt then let it go”- r.H. Sin But when? And how? I don’t feel ready to let anything go. In fact, I feel like my grip is getting tighter and recovery-me is too tired to do anything other than show up. Showing up, in and of itself, is an act opposite though, so…

Another Intake

A sparkly blue fidget cube transfers from my left to right hand and I click the light switch button on it back and forth nervously for what feels like an eternity. So many extremely thin girls are walking through the doors. Click, click, click. I do not belong here.  Click, click, click. A familiar face,…

Sane & Sound & Rational

Homework: Rewrite testimony to be more vulnerable. (Fail, didn't do it, deadline passed.) Homework: Fill out 26 pages of paperwork. (Fail, didn't do it, deadline Monday.) Homework: Write a letter to Maddy. (Fail, because you can't "feel" faulty.) Dear Maddy, I feel removed, inferior, spurious. The past couple weeks felt faulty, and I want to…

Anorexia Says

I, I, I. I am extraordinarily selfish. I am unreasonably emotional. I am spinning in circles. Anorexia says. Oh, how I believe her. I am quick to believe all of it without any shades of grey. Anorexia says: your thighs are embarrassing. You need to lose 10 pounds. Stat. You need to run more. You…

Nebulous

When I’m not starving (And speeding death up) I’m flooded with “Why are you here?” (And speeding death up) Or sometimes it’s both (Starving and why are you here) And then life feels like an ongoing major crisis Which seems fictional But I thought I was writing non-fiction this entire time —now I’m lost in…