I’m hurt, but I’m ok

It seemed like she didn’t like me. As if the person I was wasn’t enough for her, and she had no interest in being with me. One time in elementary school my parents were asked to circle from a list characteristics of us (I’ve since forgotten why). The only word I remember my mom circling…

I Need My Mom

A lapse, and another: triggered by childhood memories I couldn't shake that escalated into extreme anxiety. I needed my therapist to magically fill the space between therapist and mother. Let me explain: I was frequently the teacher's pet. From third grade on, I could be found in my teacher's classroom helping her with whatever task…

The Shut Down

It’s usually a secret to hold tightly. No one can hurt me for I’ve already hurt myself worse. A secret that wildly burns from the inside out. It’s devastating to me, and not another soul can know. The shut down is the Eating Disorder’s Master Plan to silence me, and watch me slowly die. Depression…

Poison

I will always be this way; the bad wolf beckoning. I give in because I have to survive this way. It doesn’t seem like a choice. (All the shame comes rushing in: I do have choices.) I feel so sick letting it run me over yet I don’t believe I have the power to stop…

Discarded

I felt dirty And discarded Unloved And disgusting. How is it possible to Take someone you know And do that to them? When I think about it, I feel rotten. If one person can discard me like that Can’t everyone?

October 26, 2014

The train horn woke me up in the early morning hours. My husband sound asleep next to me on our queen size blow up mattress in our little Virginia rental house. My heart pounding, sweat rolling off my body onto the green army blanket. Oh my God. Oh my God. Ohmygod. My heart beat faster…

F E A R

Maybe a year ago, I was sitting on the floor of my dietitian's office, my untouched lunch on the coffee table in front of me. "What are you really afraid of? You're not afraid of food." Her words felt piercing. Who was she to tell me what I am or am not afraid of? My…

I’m Trying, Little-Me

Get in the car. Get up, get in the car. Drive home. You’re fine. For fucks sake GET UP NOW! I’m sure I’m going to pass out or throw up and I don’t know which but I’ve already overstayed my welcome and I can’t move but I must move. Guilt and shame and self-hate—why are…

Rising Fear

No. More. Contact. You have to get through this shit yourself. You are never going to get through this. Stop wasting everyone’s time. I was trying so hard to continue to let my body release whatever it needed to, without judgement and with help. But it became too intense over the last 48 hours and…