The Room is Spinning

It feels like every traumatic thing I've ever experienced is happening to me right now (to name a few): That time in 2nd grade when my friend's stepfather took their two dogs, leashed them to the back of their pickup truck, and drove as we helplessly watched. I've never been more horrified in my life.…

It’s OK to get Better

"What would it look like to have compassion?" "I mean I do for my ma-" "For yourself?" Maybe I have writer's block. Maybe self-compassion is so buried it's undetectable and I can't bring it close enough to the surface to see. Maybe I actually have none. What would the story be if I could give…

Ceaseless Depression

I am profoundly, perpetually sad. The end. If there is no getting out of it, truly and permanently, then what is the purpose for staying in it? Hope is deceiving. It lingers on sunny days but hides behind the moon, and the storms, and the emptiness of starvation. I am gravely sorry. Nothing is big…

Therapy

"I missed you!" But why? She has almost exclusively witnessed and listened to and talked about my worst. There are very few things I've left out, mostly because I don't find them relevant, that could make me look any worse. Literal recounts of intentional puking and constant written and verbal vomit reeking with guilt and…

Giving Up

Me, last night, in a text I deleted twice and never ended up sending: I'm crying over dinner. I want to quit so badly. Don't let me. Please don't give up on me. I didn't send it because I thought it would be received as overdramatic or attention-seeking, or childish. But it is exactly what I was…

Full Disclosure

Anorexia sent me to Walmart seven days ago to buy a scale. We needed a few other things, and $6.99 seemed a small price to pay to settle feeling rejected. I couldn't even hear myself. Anorexia had a mission, and she completed it. This is the cheapest, most difficult to read, and probably most inaccurate,…

My Eyes are the Color Sad

"I see it in your eyes. Your eyes are sad." The words are piercing. I lose the ability to protect myself as the fortress I've built comes crashing down and wonder if that is also obvious. I feel completely exposed. Here, take my lungs--they're no use to me anyway, I'm hardly breathing. My eyes give…

In Safety is Release

  "You need to feel safe as much as possible right now. Your eating disorder wants you to feel unsafe." I've just admitted to my dietitian that starting some days off running alone in the dark isn't something I enjoy. In fact, I spend much of the time in a heightened state of anxiety waiting…

A Change of Scenery

Will fix everything. When I left here, I never thought I would be back here. And here I find myself struggling to be. Imagining a life here, a career here, even just going back to school here, is oddly impossible. Even in my teens when I was full of optimism and hope for my future,…

Mic check

Is it depression that urges me to self-sabotage, push everyone away, and convince myself that no one, not even a higher power, cares? Or is this who I am? Though I'd never let you know, sometimes I feel like I'm 13, testing to see if you're going to stick around. Really stick around. Really care.…