I felt gutted leaving therapy on Wednesday. Upset that I had to leave in the middle of falling apart. Upset that it took 30 minutes of grounding to let some part of my guard down and then just as I felt like I could maybe talk, 60 minutes had passed and I got almost nothing…
Yoga, Today
Getting in touch with my body: A constant feeling of Stomach acid about to come up Shaky hands On the edge Frozen muscles, frozen bones Shame and guilt and shame Cold sweat Strong urge to run And cry And run And cry Explosive pressure in my head and chest Trapped
Restoring All of Me
“God will never stop loving you. I will never stop loving you.” The conditional love I have for myself is fragile. Wavering. Sometimes absent. Mostly absent. What, exactly, did I ever do to not deserve love from and for myself? My mother said if I ever wondered what I was like as a child I…
F+
I accept progress not perfection. I really do. Now. But failing so many times begins to wear on a girl that ultimately finds her own value in outside praise and believes she’s loved when she’s accomplished things perfectly. Effort is not and has not ever been the problem. I must be fundamentally lacking. Inherently defective.…
That Week that Comes Every Month
This is the week I take a dive. I’m paying attention, this time. I automatically tried to defeat the depression swing with eating disorder armor. But I didn’t really want that. It’s just, even though I’m trying to defend myself instead, the eating disorder armor is super-glued and if you’ve ever found yourself with real…
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Reframe
This morning I stepped into the shower lungs burning, coughing, eyes tearing from light sensitivity--thanks steroids. What I could see with an overwhelming fear is a fat body. Fat that wasn't there the day before. Which tells me it's not real, but is still hard to convince myself it's not real. I spent the whole…
Protected: 2019
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2020 Focus
What is something that makes you feel good? In the beginning of recovery I kept reading and hearing that I needed hobbies. But I could never answer the question. My answers involved things that aided my eating disorder: running. Gym. Even walking my dog didn’t escape Anorexia’s hold on everything. My answer now is knowing…
