The only way I can make sense of myself right now is to separate the chaos.
It literally feels like my brain is being destroyed by warring pieces of me.
Since Monday, I have lost my mind. It’s like all the parts of me are screaming for attention and it’s coming out in the worst ways. I feel sick.
Parts at war, at least that I can identify right now:
ED: SHUT THE FUCK DOWN, DO NOT REACH OUT. STOP EVERYTHING. CANCEL EVERYTHING. I. AM. DONE.
15yo: I’m angry and hurt.
depression: I am a burden and should die. Why am I still here? seriously, die.
5yo: I need someone to pick me up and keep me safe.
Anxiety: this is so embarrassing, I am failing at keeping myself together. The future is falling apart. I need to know my relationships are ok.
10yo: can I have a hug? Now? I need to hear I’m loved.
3yo: I can’t verbalize that all I need is to be held and to cry in safety, at any and all costs.
Student: I don’t have time for any of this.
Counselor: I don’t have time for any of this, and I’m going to be labeled as impaired and lose everything I’ve been working toward if I can’t shut this insanity down.
Mom: stop. I’m not present, I’m such a bad mom.
13yo: just talk to someone. Anyone at this point.
Adult: no. Everyone safe is too busy. Figure it out on your own for fucks sake. This is ridiculous.
2yo: (please just help me)
16yo: No one actually cares anyway. Quit being such a burden. I’m selfish and irritating. Tell everyone to leave you alone and figure it out on your own.
4yo: mom? Why aren’t you coming?