The only way I can make sense of myself right now is to separate the chaos.

It literally feels like my brain is being destroyed by warring pieces of me.

Since Monday, I have lost my mind. It’s like all the parts of me are screaming for attention and it’s coming out in the worst ways. I feel sick.

Parts at war, at least that I can identify right now:

ED: SHUT THE FUCK DOWN, DO NOT REACH OUT. STOP EVERYTHING. CANCEL EVERYTHING. I. AM. DONE.

15yo: I’m angry and hurt.

depression: I am a burden and should die. Why am I still here? seriously, die.

5yo: I need someone to pick me up and keep me safe.

Anxiety: this is so embarrassing, I am failing at keeping myself together. The future is falling apart. I need to know my relationships are ok.

10yo: can I have a hug? Now? I need to hear I’m loved.

3yo: I can’t verbalize that all I need is to be held and to cry in safety, at any and all costs.

Student: I don’t have time for any of this.

Counselor: I don’t have time for any of this, and I’m going to be labeled as impaired and lose everything I’ve been working toward if I can’t shut this insanity down.

Mom: stop. I’m not present, I’m such a bad mom.

13yo: just talk to someone. Anyone at this point.

Adult: no. Everyone safe is too busy. Figure it out on your own for fucks sake. This is ridiculous.

2yo: (please just help me)

16yo: No one actually cares anyway. Quit being such a burden. I’m selfish and irritating. Tell everyone to leave you alone and figure it out on your own.

4yo: mom? Why aren’t you coming?

7 thoughts on “Warring Parts

      1. All parts have (so we believe) a goal of protecting,even if it’s in a misguided form like eating disorders or self harming. Both soothe emotional pain in their own ways. You(s) have suffered such a great loss – it makes sense they’re all warring.

        All of you love her, it makes sense to be consumed with grief. 💔

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I value this perspective so much! I wasn’t really focused on that it could be grief that was exasperating the chaos… but now that you mention it, the trigger of events (that I didn’t really explain in these points well) was most certainly exasperated by grief. That makes so much sense. 💙💙💙

        Liked by 1 person

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