Why?

Why did you leave?

Why aren’t you here to help me?

I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW AND I NEED YOU TO FUCKING COME BACK.

I think you would say what happened this morning, after I saw the VERY BIG NUMBER on the scale, was a trauma response. I think you would have gently reminded me that my body isn’t out of control like I believe.

I’m angry at myself for not realizing that my worries about my weight were true. Instead, I kept practicing self compassion, reframing negative thoughts and acting opposite. I kept doing what I was supposed to be doing. And then I stepped on the scale, and saw the largest number I’ve seen in two years.

It’s complete chaos in my head. My values and purpose clashing with the ABSOLUTELY RAGING EATING DISORDER. I want to kick and scream and cry because I am in the chaos and I want out of it.

How am I supposed to do this without you? I need your heart and soul and physical presence to tell me whatever you would tell me. I can’t pretend I know anymore. The eating disorder part of me believes nothing that’s not in writing now, I’m losing you and it’s so painful. I can’t survive without you. You’re supposed to be here. You’re supposed to be giving me a hug and supporting the warrior part of me you believed existed.

Come back. I can’t do this. I really can’t. Why did you leave me? I’m so angry and hurt and heavy.

2 thoughts on “Dear K, (letter #7)

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