Your favorite 3-year-old and I are curled up in your blanket. You’re giving me a hug right now—a hug I desperately wish was real.
It’s been 6 weeks now. I haven’t heard your voice or felt your touch for 7 weeks. When I let myself think about you for more than a couple seconds, I still feel sick and have trouble coming to terms with reality. But, I think you’d be so proud of me for the way I survived this week.
It still feels like survival with out you here. However, I also thrived and I know you must be watching and smiling. I pray that you are, and that you’re with me, and that I will have the strength to keep going on this journey in a big and meaningful way.
I was really brave in class, I have 4 clients I start seeing in just a few days, I am intentionally working on eating adequate breakfasts, and I’m doing a podcast on eating disorder recovery! Yesterday, I gave away the last couple things that don’t fit well, because I bought them at the lowest point of my eating disorder. I’ve been present enough to feel the dialectic: excited and anxious. Happy and sad. Optimistic and depressed.
I coped with help from the Wolfpack—your husband is an honorary member! Though, I’m still working on both members to skydive 😉. If you could just give them a little push…
I coped with your blanket. I coped by trying my hardest to sleep and eat well and drink enough water. I coped by paying attention to my breath more often, and putting my hand on my heart. I coped by praying to God and crying to you. I coped by writing here, and leaning into my purpose—the purpose you so gently were a part of helping me find. I coped by talking to my husband more and focusing on love and gratitude and kindness in as many moments of the day as I could muster.
This morning as soon as I opened my eyes tears formed because I’d forgotten you weren’t here. The sting of reality is still so raw and painful. I don’t think it’s going to leave anytime soon and sometimes I have to stop what I’m doing to cry because it’s the only way to relieve some of the sorrow for missing you.
come back be with me in the room with my first clients. I need you. Gosh, I need you. God, I need her.
This hurts so much.
I love you,