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In 2 days I go to the doctor. The one you always communicated with. I went 4 weeks ago, 4 days after you left earth, and she immediately tried to push another dietitian on me. She didn’t get it. She didn’t know you like I do. She didn’t understand that no one can replace you like that. No one can replace your care, ever. I left and cried in the car.

I don’t think I’ve lost any weight since you passed, but I’ve gone to bed hungry multiple times. I’m hungry now, about to go to bed, but I just can’t do it tonight. I’ve gone to bed nauseous because I miss you so much. I’ve lost way too much sleep and can’t keep myself hydrated enough to keep up with all the tears that come, as if I’m a broken faucet. I feel like I should have lost weight because I am physically drained and emotionally distraught. I feel like I do when anorexia consumes me. I panic at night when it’s quiet and there isn’t anything else I can distract my thoughts with. I panic that I cannot do this without you. I panic that what happened to you will happen to other people I love. I panic that I need you–you’re the only one that gets me in a very specific, amazing, life-saving way.

I am broken. Broken-hearted, but it also seems like my brain is broken, too. That things aren’t working because I can’t stop searching for you. That reality and denial are overlapping in odd ways that makes my world seem out of control, confusing, and fuzzy.

I don’t know how to fix this. The hope I have, the hope that pulls me out of bed in the morning, is notably fragile. I’m fearful I will never be understood like you understood me–that my story is buried with you forever. That rips at my soul. It brings relentless tears and unwavering sorrow.

I need you to be with me. I need you to find me and hold me. I need you to hold space for this unbearable hurt that seems to be only getting worse.

Please, God, bring her back. Please.

5 thoughts on “Dear K, (letter #3)

  1. I know you want her back, and I wish that were possible. Remember though, the love and wisdom she gave you, these persist in you. In that sense, she is still with you, though it may be hard for you to feel that right now.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. You are both honoring her and caring for yourself with each word you express and share. Sending love, care, and support – from my heart to yours. 💗

    Liked by 3 people

  3. So much love to you in the midst of your grief.

    “Some things cannot be fixed; they can only be carried. Grief like yours, love like yours, can only be carried.” — Megan Devine

    Like

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