It’s 4:04am now, I’ve been awake since 2am, but wasn’t sleeping well before that either.

I’m laying here with tears streaming down my face, remembering all the times K comforted me. All the times in the same 90-minutes that we cried and laughed. Genuine laughter. After feeling safe enough to show up with all of it—all of me—she seemed to manage to bring joy into the room. I always felt surprised when I found myself laughing and smiling after feeling so shitty just minutes before.

That was something special.

She really knew how to hold space for me. It was her gift — she was amazing at really seeing me.

I miss being a recipient of her gifts and her care. I’ll miss it forever. A part of me is struggling with denial tonight, or rather this morning; I want with every piece of my heart to go to my appointment I would have had with her and have her be the one comforting me through this devastating time. I want it so badly I can’t stop crying.

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