Today I opened the skydiving site back up. The Wolfpack had agreed on September 18th as the day, and I was just waiting on K’s official go ahead. I almost booked it before I even got her response because I was so excited.
I never ended up booking it. But I thought for sure I would eventually be booking it.
I opened the site back up and put in my information and again, almost booked, this time for 1 instead of 3. I don’t need a Wolfpack. The words floated through my head, almost as if to say, f-U-God! I can do everything alone.
But the thing is I don’t want to be alone. I want the Wolfpack to jump with me. To be with me in hard times. And good times. And scary times. And fun times. And skydiving is all of that wrapped in one, including the biggest literal leap of faith ever.
When I clicked the “x” to close the unfinished reservation, I felt depression settle in. As a last ditch effort to my own depression I usually become much more spontaneous than usual. It’s like my brains way of trying one last time to escape the sadness. I chop off or dye my hair. I organize a last minute road trip. I decide minutes before to workout in some extreme way. I used to often plan to ditch recovery and finally get to the goal number Anorexia had in mind. Whatever it is, it has to be a big move, instantly.
Not following through on the reservation felt a bit like giving up. No Wolfpack, no point.
I just want my heart to be put back together, but it can’t ever be. Today I watched myself as if I were in a movie, going through all the right motions but feeling so distant and separated and lonely.
I think K would say signing up alone would be the eating disorder part of me punishing me with following through on something alone. Why would I want to do something so big and meaningful (at least, it originally had a huge purpose behind it) by myself? I wouldn’t, I’d want to share it and be connected.
Things still feel so wrong.
So so wrong. 💔