It seems like more often than not, if I have a significant therapy session, my eating disorder creeps back into my thoughts a couple hours later. It’s like things start to unconsciously become overwhelming and all of a sudden it’s evening and I’ve barely eaten.
My stomach hurt all day. That is what I noticed. I didn’t feel hungry. I didn’t feel like I was ignoring hunger or letting my eating disorder take over.
I didn’t believe I was acting on it.
And then suddenly I wanted it to take over. Suddenly I found all my poisonous thoughts inviting, calming, productive. Suddenly those eating disorder thoughts made more sense than anything else today.
It’s like my brain gave up trying to process the session and Anorexia was like, hey there, don’t worry, I got this from here.
But I wasn’t in charge of any of it.
I wasn’t aware and now that I am I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND IRRITATED.
I want to hand my eating disorder over to the morgue.
I don’t want to care so much about what I look like and I don’t want to fear food or weight or fat or anything.
Yet, right now, it seems like the option I HAVE to choose (restriction) even if I know that’s not right.
I must be gaining so much weight. My clothes feel tight outside of PMS. And the pictures I’ve seen recently of myself are highly unflattering.
I want my scale back.
Will I ever be able to just live my life without either needing constant support or my eating disorder?