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It seems like more often than not, if I have a significant therapy session, my eating disorder creeps back into my thoughts a couple hours later. It’s like things start to unconsciously become overwhelming and all of a sudden it’s evening and I’ve barely eaten.

My stomach hurt all day. That is what I noticed. I didn’t feel hungry. I didn’t feel like I was ignoring hunger or letting my eating disorder take over.

I didn’t believe I was acting on it.

And then suddenly I wanted it to take over. Suddenly I found all my poisonous thoughts inviting, calming, productive. Suddenly those eating disorder thoughts made more sense than anything else today.

It’s like my brain gave up trying to process the session and Anorexia was like, hey there, don’t worry, I got this from here.

But I wasn’t in charge of any of it.

I wasn’t aware and now that I am I AM SO FRUSTRATED AND IRRITATED.

I want to hand my eating disorder over to the morgue.

I don’t want to care so much about what I look like and I don’t want to fear food or weight or fat or anything.

Yet, right now, it seems like the option I HAVE to choose (restriction) even if I know that’s not right.

I must be gaining so much weight. My clothes feel tight outside of PMS. And the pictures I’ve seen recently of myself are highly unflattering.

I want my scale back.

Will I ever be able to just live my life without either needing constant support or my eating disorder?

2 thoughts on “I Must Be Gaining

  1. I don’t know if this will make sense to you or be helpful at all, but I offer it in the hope that it might be…

    I don’t have an eating disorder, but I have struggled a lot with hating myself and harming (burning) myself. Sometimes I would try to fight it, and sometimes I wouldn’t. Sometimes I felt it would kind of seduce me back, promising me (temporary) peace of mind.

    What has helped has been to shift away from fighting it. Instead, I have worked to make friends with Self-Loathing. “Ah, Self-Loathing, it’s you again. You are showing up because of the fear of XXX [whatever it is at the moment]. In your own way, you are trying to protect me from XXX [painful emotions, memories, the risk of making a mistake, whatever it was]. You want me to protect myself by being small and closing myself off. I get it. Thank you, really, for the effort. There was a time when you were the only way I knew how to protect myself. But things are different now. I have some other strategies. So you can relax. I see you. You can go sit over there, with a nice cushy pillow and maybe a good book. You can ride along on my bus, that’s fine. But you don’t get to drive, not anymore. Now I’m learning to let Wisdom drive, or sometimes Self-Compassion. So just sit back and enjoy the ride.”

    Of course that’s a little bit tongue-in-cheek, but in another way, it isn’t. I really have had to accept that my self-loathing impulses are real. I have had to admit that sometimes I still want to burn myself. I acknowledge that those feelings are usually an indication that I am afraid or stressed or upset somehow. But I also acknowledge that I am choosing something else.

    I mess up sometimes. That’s okay. I’m human. Change is hard. But it gets a little easier over time. So gradually I need less constant support and I need less self-harming. I bet that will be your future too. I really do believe that if I can make these changes, you can too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sorry you know this struggle, and I appreciate your comment so much. This makes complete sense and is such a great skill to employ. Proud of you for using it!

      I do this sometimes, too. Part of my automatic trauma response is to become so angry at myself that I can’t slow down or think about anything else. Usually, I write very intensely as an attempt to get things out/slow down and then don’t follow through with the intensity of the action I wrote about (ie. “I’m not eating tomorrow” often gets turned around after I write out the emotions that led to those thoughts and I don’t end up often explaining here in my blog that I turned it around that quickly.) sometimes, I don’t turn it around for a couple days. But it used to be months or weeks and so I know everything is progress. I want so badly to stop struggling AT ALL that I’ve become quite irritated at myself for struggling even for an hour. Basically, for being human.

      Self compassion has been one of the hardest things for me to learn. I borrow my teams and my husbands compassion for me to survive, often.

      But I have had many moments of being able to lean into self compassion and I recognize the necessity of this skill to live a happy life so I am very much working on it.

      Thank you for sharing. 💙

      Liked by 1 person

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