A friend sent me this article last night. It was the catalyst for a major shift from the last two weeks.
I spent practically all day yesterday believing my relationship with my therapist couldn’t possibly go on any longer. I spent it tearful and angry and extremely depressed. I took an existential dive.
My therapist has been my lifeline. She has been my partner in recovering from an eating disorder and my confidant and motherly figure as we dove into all the trauma that was underneath the eating disorder. Imagining losing that support before it was meant to be done was and is devastating.
The grief I felt imagining the worst case scenario was terrifying and I honestly felt like nothing mattered, if we couldn’t finish what we started.
Then, I read the article.
It had nothing to do with therapeutic relationships or finding safety or releasing anger.
It reminded me that God loves me. That I am a child of God and I have everlasting love and protection from Him. That even in the darkest, most desperate times, I have somewhere to go. That there is a plan and purpose and when I am fearful and anxious I can lean into my truth–the truth of my faith I have found in recovery and learned to trust.
I repeated many of the scriptures offered in the article and felt something in me drastically shift. I felt stronger and confident that I could create my own safety or lean into those who share faith in God with me.
This morning, I leaned into my truth and let God be the guide. I drove to my regularly scheduled therapy appointment and with some new precautions and protections in place I made it inside.
I did panic, once I let my guard down, but I panicked about so many things. I needed to feel physical protection as I got all the panic out and you know what–it worked. I felt complete relief afterward. I felt secure and loved and safe. I felt like my inner-child has returned home, she can continue to heal here.
There are so many lessons wrapped up inside the anger and terror I experienced in the last two weeks, as well as the last 7 months.
But as I breathe a massive sigh of relief, the biggest lesson I need to hold on to is that when I feel lost, I can close my eyes and I will be found in the arms of my Father. I will regain and reclaim love, trust, and safety there and I can count on my heart and my own intuition to lead back to where I know I need to be, regardless of what anyone else thinks or is doing or believes.
I am safe and protected.
I am worthy of my team’s love and care.
It is safe to continue trauma work with my therapist. It is safe to let little-me have a voice.
I am ok. I am more than ok; I am learning that love cancels out fear, and anger doesn’t make me a horrible person, and I am thriving, not merely surviving because of all of these things.