It has been broken in the worst ways in the last 10 months. It started with a friend (of over 15 years), mentor, and nurse practitioner betraying the doctor-patient confidentiality agreement and telling people I know about all of the trauma story she was told by my therapist (through mutual understanding all of this was being told to help me and was to not be repeated). She even repeated it grossly inaccurately. She has never acknowledged, in 10 months, that anything might be wrong and I haven’t even heard from her in a good friend follow-up way of like, “hey, last I heard you were severely depressed, wanting to end your life, and I just wanted to check in..” she doesn’t know I know she broke confidentiality. I lost a very good friend (or so I thought) who apparently doesn’t even care about me or our friendship.
And then in October my sister-in-law went on a drunken raid that I happened to be there for and became the major target in, using things I shared with her vulnerably and in confidence, to hurt me. I’ve never been hurt like that before. I am still hurt by it.
Shortly before that my therapist’s husband walked in on our session, breaking confidentiality because it then had to be explained why we were in the closet (which he doesn’t care about I don’t think, but I do, that was my process and I didn’t ask for him or anyone else I personally know to know). And that is the anger I’ve been trying to get out but actually feels like it’s destroying me instead of doing anything helpful.
Is it it even worth trying to be vulnerable? Is it even possible to seek true safety, honesty, love, and care?
Or is it not possible for humans to be fully trusted?
Is it just not possible for me?
Am I the problem here?
I’ve been driving aimlessly and crying for 2.5 hours. All I have ever wanted is to feel safe and loved by a handful of people. I have sought that in every stage of my life. I’ve generally left with a very close relationship in each place I’ve lived. Just one or sometimes two but that’s all I need to survive. Why has it been so hard/impossible in this move back to my home state?
It seems like trying to heal has actually made everything worse. I am left without relationships because along the way people couldn’t provide safety or be trusted. When, I just wanted authentic relationships to begin with. I just wanted to share my love and receive love and in a real and honest and vulnerable and safe and trusting way.
That is all broken.
It is always broken, over and over.
I don’t know how to fix myself anymore. I don’t know how to grow or change in any more ways that might cause people to want to keep that trust with me.
Depression isn’t going to be easy on me. It’s sinking it’s teeth so fast I want to drive off a cliff right now.