*I am so hurt. Little-me is so worried. All parts of me are extraordinarily angry. So I wrote this and it does not flow well, and there are probably typos and I am not clear who “you” is always and switch first person to second person and I am not going to fix it or apologize for it or fix this fucking long run-on sentence. I honestly don’t even know what I wrote, because I am now panicking and removing myself from my body because I cannot deal with anger.

***

I should not be dealing with this.

It’s fucking unethical behavior to ignore that a client in your place of work, even if it’s merely your co-workers client, FEELS UNSAFE IN AN OFFICE OF THERAPISTS.

If a client feels unsafe for whatever reason, it is the RIGHT thing to do to MAKE IT RIGHT. It doesn’t matter if you think I’ve completely fabricated a story, think my process is wrong, or don’t truly care what I experienced, IT IS MY EXPERIENCE THAT I FEEL UNSAFE IN YOUR PRESENCE AND IN YOUR PLACE OF WORK AND YOU NEED TO FIX IT.

It’s unethical not to. It’s harmful to not do what you can to make it right for the client.

As a therapist, why wouldn’t you want that anyway? No one talks in therapy until they feel safe, and you’ve created an unsafe space, even for just one client, and it’s damaging as fuck.

My options are feel abandoned (because I have made a choice to not enter places where I feel unsafe and therefore end my therapeutic process with my current therapist), or feel unsafe every time I go to therapy? HOW IS THAT OK?

A FUCKING SIMPLE APOLOGY WOULD HAVE SOLVED THIS.

My therapist came to my home today. We did our session in my home. And it actually felt ok and worthwhile.

But it doesn’t feel right. If it were impossible for me to leave my house, or if I was severely depressed and couldn’t physically bring myself to make it to therapy, then you know what, how great of an option if both parties are willing. BUT IT IS NOT OK TO MAKE THIS THE SOLUTION. Even though I want it to be the solution because I am desperately wanting to not let my inner-child drown.

There has to be change. I am not responsible for the change that has to happen.

This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault! I wish all of this anger didn’t turn inwardly so quickly. I wish I didn’t feel utter despair and fear surrounding this event and losing the same level of connection and relationship that I had with my therapist before this.

If there isn’t change, I need to find the strength to move on.

God, that is so awful. This is so awful.

I think it’s a shitty cop-out to say you’ve done everything you can that is in your control. You should have control of the SAFETY OF YOUR OFFICE, and if client’s don’t feel safe, and the problem is the human being next door, who is unwilling to even attempt or work on reestablishing safety, they shouldn’t be allowed to work there. It’s a key fucking part of therapy. If he were employed in a group practice, this issue would be forced to solution or he would be fired.

It is incredibly unskillful, as a licensed counselor, to not be able to put down your own shit and listen to someone else and take responsibility for your part in a breach of confidentiality. DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING, WHEN YOU REALIZED IT AFFECTED YOUR COWORKER’S CLIENT IN A FUCKING TERRIBLE WAY, YOU SHOULD HAVE IMMEDIATELY FUCKING DONE EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO NOT LET ANY FURTHER DAMAGE HAPPEN AND IF THAT IS A FUCKING SIMPLE “I’M SORRY” THEN THAT IS WHAT SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

I mean, are you fucking serious?

I think your license should be revoked. I wish it was. Being unwilling to work out conflict is NOT OKAY as a therapist. YOU’RE DOING A TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE JOB OF PROTECTING THE WELFARE OF A HUMAN BEING WHO HAS WORKED VERY HARD TO FIND SAFETY and I KNOW you’ve learned the definition of nonmaleficence, but here it is: avoid doing harm, including refraining from actions that risk hurting clients. And yes, I am not your client, but I am your WIFE’S client. Who shares your office space! That means you protect, as a part of your duties of being a counselor, all humans in your space.

Counseling ethics aside, how about don’t be a shitty human being.

How many other people will be harmed while you keep counseling others and have zero awareness for how your own shit is seeping into everything and fucking it up? This is exactly what we’re taught in class to NOT LET HAPPEN AND IF IT DOES TO OWN IT AND MAKE IT RIGHT AND GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. Furtherfuckingmore, it’s in the ACA Code of Ethics for other counselor’s to bring it to the attention of the counselor behaving unethically AND TO TRY TO RESOLVE the issue informally which is exactly what my therapist tried to do. THE NEXT STEP IS CONSULTATION AND THE NEXT STEP AFTER THAT IS REPORTING IT.

GOD, I AM SO ANGRY.

THIS IS GOING TO DESTROY MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY THERAPIST. THIS FRACTURE IS SO BIG.

I’m nauseous thinking about terminating therapy. My gut jumps as if I’m on an elevator when I imagine not having my therapist’s support.

God, what is the purpose in all of this? What am I supposed to learn from this?

I have been working on trusting myself and my intuition. I gained that trust and confidence through hundreds of hours with my team. How fucking ironic is it that I practically feel forced to use this wisdom to turn around and say good bye to my therapist?

It is absolutely terrifying. I don’t believe little-me is ready to fly on her own yet.

My therapist and I went into the trenches together, I got shot, and no one is coming with life-saving supplies. They are coming with band-aids and hoping for a fucking miracle.

THIS IS BULLSHIT. WHAT THE FUCK.

3 thoughts on “Hulk-Sized Anger

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